coffee with an introvert

A million years ago my friend Armir and I went to grab a coffee before class.  I think at this point he was an upper level student and we got along really well.  There’s a whole story about Armir, but this isn’t that story.  That Thursday morning coffee before class just sort of became a weekly thing and Coffee With McAbee was born.  Armir graduated and started working for the school and coffee continued.  We were real ones too.  Our Starbucks friends would give us the giant ceramic mugs and make our coffees pretty.  Don't tell Armir I told you this but we both like the frilly drinks.  

When he moved away, the coffee void was filled by various students and it was just an informal but weekly thing we did if we had time.  We’d gather at Starbucks and have a coffee for a few minutes before class.  Eventually this turned into another type of meeting and Coffee With McAbee took a different turn.

Now, whenever the mood strikes me, I will message someone and invite them to have coffee.  We’ll chat for a while, I’ll judge their coffee beverage choices (and usually extrapolate a whole view of their character based on that judgment) and I’ll take a photo to post on Instagram to make it official.  

During the years that I’ve done this, I’ve heard and overheard some people wondering why I haven’t invited them for coffee.  I’ve also had good friends wonder why I would put myself in the awkward position of being a wannabe podcast host when I so clearly prefer to be alone.  I’d like to use this post to figure that out for myself and to share it with you if you are curious.  

First of all, there are so many people and I’d probably like to have coffee with 99% of them.  Even if I don’t prefer your company, I also know that you are a beautiful human with an interesting story and I enjoy stories.  So if you’ve ever wondered why I haven’t invited you to coffee yet, blame math.  There’s one of me and lots of y’all.  I’m pretty ridiculously busy both during the semester and during breaks.  When I do get a bit of time to dedicate to sitting down to talk with someone, there are a lot more of you than there are of me.  And just because I had coffee with someone else doesn’t mean I like them more than I like you, it just means that the Universe picked them first.  I guess I should explain that, too.

So, here’s how I choose who to have coffee with:  I don’t.  I decided a long time ago that it’s too much pressure.  The last thing I want to do is make someone feel left out or unloved, especially when the whole point of having coffee with someone is to show them love and to make them feel seen.  Choosing is too hard and I’m human.  Knowing that, I decided that I would keep my eye open to opportunity and if things seem to line up for a particular person, I’d pursue that.  If a friend is in town briefly and our schedules line up, that’s the Universe saying “have coffee with them”.  Sometimes people suggest we have coffee.  That’s especially cool when I have been thinking it would be cool to have coffee with that person.  I take that as a sign.  Sometimes I am willing and available but no doors of opportunity seem to be open and I go have coffee alone.  I was actually doing that a while back and one particular person walked by and I thought that I would like to have coffee with them.  A few weeks later, we did and it was perfect.  

Is it a bit of a cop-out to not really have an agenda for who to invite?  Definitely and I’m happy to have it.  Y’all probably don’t know the hell it is for me to invite someone to coffee.  I’m an introvert and I still have every insecurity I had in middle school hiding in the back of my brain.  How silly would it be for me to assume someone wanted to sit and talk to me for an hour?  They’ll probably say no.  They probably think this is a ridiculous bit of nonsense anyway.  Many of the guests are students and you know they’re sick to death of me by now.  Why would they want to spend time with me outside of class?  I mean, they probably hate me, right?  And I’m supposed to just put all those ideas out of my head and send an invitation out of nowhere?  No thanks.  I’ll pass.  I’ll go get a coffee and sit alone and draw in my sketchbook.  

The next circle of hell is what comes after that.  I feel like I’m supposed to talk to people.  I’ve seen the power a conversation can have and how it can positively impact someone.  I’ve developed strong friendships through the years over coffee.  I still remember exact words spoken to me by my professors some 30 years ago.  Connection is so important.  That responsibility is what forces me out of my shell to ask someone to coffee.  

Then, like every good introvert, I don’t want to go.  Is there a good reason to cancel?  I mean, it might rain.  How am I going to keep a conversation going for 30 minutes or longer?  What if it’s just awkward silence?  Maybe they’ll cancel at the last minute.  

And then, also like every good introvert, I’m always so happy that I went.  The conversation was great and I learned so much about the person.  We established a real connection that may benefit that person for years to come.  Or maybe we reconnected after a few years and renewed a good friendship.  Whatever the case, I never regret having coffee with people.  I love y’all. 

Summer break has arrived and with it, my hermit status is back.  I look forward to long studio days here on the plantation without seeing anyone who doesn't live in my house.  When I do venture out, it will likely bring an opportunity for coffee.  

If you’ve been waiting for your invitation, I hope the Universe will bring our schedules together.  And then I’ll be terrified and I’ll hope you’ll cancel and then I’ll be thrilled that you didn’t and that we had an amazing conversation.

 

coffee with mcabee: molly and bigfoot

Today I had coffee with Molly.  

I met Molly 6 years ago when she walked into my 3D Design class as a freshman.  It was one of those moments when you meet someone and in the first 30 seconds, you know you want to be around them as much as possible.  Molly brings an energy into a room with her that creates a gravitational pull in her direction.  Beyond that energy, she threw herself wholeheartedly into every class, every project with ambition and drive.  She always brought the rest of the class up because they were all trying to mirror her energy.  

I'm told that I'm hard to read in that first class.  That semester is always a bit odd as students try to figure out what my faces mean and why I'm smiling.  Molly had a bit of that but it didn't stop her from initiating conversations with me in class about various debatable topics.  I'm certain we debated the existence of gravity and the mysteries of Bigfoot.  And when we did, it always appeared that Molly was much more interested in learning about me than she was about solving those mysteries.  That was the thing with Molly.  She was always out to learn about other people.  She had a genuine interest in them and she was full of questions designed to bring the truest nature of that person to the surface.  She had a way of pulling back the curtain without making the other person feeling exposed.  She would ask questions and then listen, really listen.  Not just to the words, she was listening for truth. 

Luckily for me, Molly excelled in sculpture and took several of my classes over her 4 years.  Each time it was a joy to have her in class and help to guide her toward her goals.  Most days when she would leave class she would stop and say "Thank you" before exiting the room.  Can you imagine?  That's the kind of person she is.  Her sculptures were always exceptional and there was never any doubt she was bound for grad school and greater things.  

After graduation, she took a couple of years off of school to work at a cool coastal camp for kids.  She did a summer residency in sculpture at a prestigious school and I expect she'll get several acceptance letters in the mail in the near future to begin the next phase of her education.  

Today we were able to set aside some time to catch up in person so she drove to campus and we chatted at Starbucks.  She is so generous with her energy that we invited two current students to join us as she shared about her experience with the residency program and told us stories about wrangling alligators at camp.  I think those two students enjoyed it just as much as I did.  I mean, you can't sit with Molly and not go away changed for the better.  

The thing that became really obvious to me today is that Molly does everything that she does with intentionality.  She considers her actions and interactions and plans them based on how she can impact the people around her.  As she told us stories today, it was easy to trace her movements by how she could offer something to the others in the stories.  She actively seeks to show love to people through actions.  It's really an amazing thing that I wish wasn't so rare.  I wish I was more like her.  

We should all have friends that make us want to up our game.  We should surround ourselves with people that inspire us to be better humans.  

It's easy to get cynical and think that everyone is selfish.  It's easy to think that seeing a truly kind and generous person is as likely as seeing Bigfoot.  

As I write this, Zeke is snoring beside me on the couch and Bigfoot is peering just over the top edge of my Macbook.  Bigfoot is in the large photo on canvas on the wall across from me.  It's a photo of a Bigfoot statue taken at the alien welcome center in Colorado.  Molly took this photo and I was able to snag it from her in a trade when she graduated.  It is a fitting reminder to be more like Molly.  To up my game and to be a better human.

  

coffee with mcabee

I love coffee.  I love the smell, I love the taste, I love the caffeine.  I have a "coffee cabinet" at home where I keep all my coffee and just opening the cabinet door makes my mouth water.  It smells comfortable and warm.  For the record, iced coffee is not really coffee.  Coffee is hot.  There's no reason to discuss this.  

But one of my favorite things about coffee is that it is a social drink.  I know the saying is "in vino veritas" (in wine there is truth) but there's something about the nature of coffee that brings out a genuine communicative spirit in people...without all the silliness that alcohol can bring.  If you need proof that coffee is magic, just know that coffee is the special elixir that makes even a hermit like me want to sit down in a public space with people and have a conversation.  

Stealing a great idea from Jerry Seinfeld, I've created my own little series of "Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee".  Except I'm no comedian and the car thing rarely works out because I mostly meet people for coffee.  In the past few months I've had conversation and coffee with Kevin Morrissey, a superstar high school art teacher from Summerville, Ali Stigal, my first sculpture studio student worker from Lander, Ashley "the whisk" Bush, a former student and racquetball buddy, Donovan, professor of religion at Belmont University, G, my lovely wife and several others. And each time I got to enjoy some good coffee and some good company.  

Some of these coffee sessions have popped up on my Instagram but I keep thinking that there's something really cool about these people that you don't get to know because you weren't there.  And Instagram doesn't really lend itself to lengthy stories under the photos because who really has time to read all that crap when you're trying to scroll through everything new in your feed before you fall asleep at night?  So I've thought about creating a space for those coffee talks here.  It's an excuse to write more often and a way to introduce you to some of the really exceptional people I'm lucky enough to trick into getting coffee with me.  So grab yourself a coffee and read on...

Let me introduce you to this week's "Coffee With McAbee" gang.  Left to right is Armir, Laura and Katherine.

Armir is one of those people you run across in life and you just know he's a good human.  He's professional, helpful, thoughtful and he's a natural leader.  I think I've known Armir forever.  He wont see this post but if he did he would think that was funny because his path through his degree has not been a traditional one.  Armir is in the Air Force reserve and he's been called up a couple of times while he's been an art major at Lander.  This means Uncle Sam has pulled him away for some travel to exotic places and delayed his 4 year plans.  So I met him as a freshman 7 or 8 years ago.  Then he came back.  Then he spent some time in the sand and now he's back again to finish up.  

Last semester was his first semester back and we worked about an hour once each week into our schedules for coffee at the on-campus Starbucks.  We have always enjoyed a very honest dialog and that's one of the things that makes you want to be around him.  We also share some "basic" taste in coffee so we make sure to have all the fancy, sweet coffees and we dare anyone to make fun of us.  Then we share advice and funny stories and talk about how great our salted caramel mochas are.  

This semester doesn't allow us quite as much time but we've carved out 30 minutes and we even invited some other people to join us.

Which brings us to Laura.  Laura is from the town I live in and we both have the same daily commute to Lander.  I met Laura when she came in as a freshman art major.  I taught her, watched her graduate and then became a coworker with her when she joined the university as a photographer.  She still comes to some of our art events and she even slogs with us pretty often too.  Twice this week we've driven behind one another on the drive in to work.  Laura is also an honest and awesome person.  She babysat Blue and Violet several times, took some family portraits for us and she's been brave enough to dog-sit a few times.  If I trust you with my kids and dogs....that's really saying something.  Laura is good people.  Like Armir, she speaks her mind and you can count on her telling you the truth.  She also loves people.  The real kind of love that causes you to spend your vacation days from work traveling to Haiti to serve others.  But maybe don't tell anyone that Laura has coffee talk with us because I don't know if her boss knows!

The lady on the right is Katherine.  She's one of my current students and one of my current sculpture studio workers.  She's in our BFA degree and she's been a standout student since the first project in my 3D Design class.  A year ago she had never even seriously considered sculpture as something she'd want to do and now she's well on her way to being a professional sculptress.  She is an honest and trustworthy person (notice the pattern here?) as well.  And despite the fact that she's prone to enjoy a coffee with ice in it every now and then, she's really fun to talk to about art.  When you ask her to consider a work of art or an idea about art, she will take that as the most serious challenge in her life.  She will devote herself to really taking it apart and analyzing the concept before providing a well-thought-out critique of it.  She's just as serious about her projects and she really devotes herself to them.  Last semester she logged the most hours per week in the sculpture studio by a ridiculous amount.  

So these three coffee pals are from three different time periods and we all somehow came together over coffee.  While they are all honest, genuine and trusted people, perhaps the most important character trait to me is that they all enjoy a good laugh.  When you're starting your day, or perhaps looking for a friend to hang out with, there's just nothing like a good jolt of sugar and caffeine and a good laugh.  If you're lucky enough to be near these three humans, make it your goal to become their friend.  You will be a better person for knowing them.  

And if you like coffee and don't mind me, I'm always looking for more excuses to drink extra coffee.  Email me.