confidence is slippery

I don’t believe in “imposter syndrome”.  I’ll apologize for my generation because I think it may have been Gen X-ers who decided we needed to put a label on every feeling we ever had.  Let’s say you start a new job and you probably worded the application materials to make yourself sound like you were the best fit for the job.  That’s fair.  But now you’re getting dressed on the morning of your first day and you’re having some major anxiety.  What if they find out I’m not as confident as they thought?  Am I really qualified for this job?  In whatever realm you’ve experienced the feelings, you know what I’m saying.  

My argument is that this is not an example of you (and me) presenting a false idea of who we are and what skills we have.  Instead, this is an example of a crisis of confidence.  You see, you actually were the best person for the job or they wouldn’t have hired you.  You didn’t lose your skills and abilities overnight while you slept.  You really are the person your application materials indicated that you were.  The only thing that changed was how you felt at the moment.  You replaced reality with fear.

Confidence is like that.  We can be riding high one minute and someone can look at us a certain mysterious way or say something we don’t quite understand and suddenly we feel naked and terrified, completely exposed.  

I believe that artists and creative types are especially susceptible to this terrible feeling.  

I have a good friend who is the kind of pianist that most people just dream of becoming.  She’s amazing.  She can sit down and squeeze the most beautiful sounds out of a piano.  She doesn’t just play the notes, she plays the music in a way that expresses the emotion of the piece.  It’s a truly wonderful thing to witness.  Recently my friend hit a speed bump and had a sudden crisis of confidence.  She didn’t become any less exceptional in that moment, she just felt different.  

And then there’s my little nonsense.  I have a great job and a lot of opportunities.  The last few years I’ve been very prolific in art-making and I’ve had the good fortune of getting work into a lot of shows.  I actually even delivered and installed a solo show of my work this week.  And yet…at some point yesterday, I realized I didn’t win this one thing or get into this particular show.  My brain went into a panic and alerted me that I needed to apply to a bunch of shows and get my work back out there.  I literally had the thought that “I haven’t been in any shows recently”.  My heart rate went up.  My mind started racing, trying to think of what opportunities I could jump on immediately.  

After a few minutes of this panic, I looked around my studio and saw bare spots on the walls.  I noticed my stack of new drawings was really thin.  More panic.  Now I need to be in more shows and I don’t have any work to enter.  Sweat started to bead up on my forehead.  

It took a lot longer than it should have taken for me to realize that the reason I didn’t have a lot of art to enter is because so much of it is currently on exhibit.  I had a moment of “Ohhhhhhh.  That’s where my work is”.  

Realizing I had just participated in a very unhealthy thing that I constantly advise my students against, I decided to take a moment and take stock of the situation rationally.  Here’s what I realized:

At this moment, I have 1 public sculpture on exhibit for a year in North Charleston, SC.  I have 1 public sculpture on exhibit for a year in Cashiers, NC.  I have 3 small sculptures in a juried exhibit in Indiana.  I have 1 small sculpture in a juried exhibit in Key West, FL.  I have a solo exhibit of about 16 drawings in Spartanburg, SC.  I have about 15 drawings and sculptures in a commercial gallery in Saluda, NC.  I have 2 sculptures in an exhibit in Greenwood, SC.  And honestly, I may have something somewhere else and have completely forgotten about it.  

In the academic world, that list would get me tenure and or promotion over a 6 year review period.  I know some artists who don’t have that many exhibits in an entire career and this is just a snapshot of one particular day for me.  It’s absolutely ridiculous that someone with that list of exhibits would lack confidence, and yet, there we were, heart racing, sweat on the brow, telling myself I wasn’t good enough.  

I don’t have the cure for a crisis of confidence.  I would tell you that when you feel it coming, you should stomp the brakes and do a little rational thinking.  The truth is, most of us don’t know we’re experiencing it until after the fact and even if we do realize it, rational thought is not likely to be found anywhere near us.  

A couple of days ago, I watched my grad student freak out because she put her recent work out for a guest artist to critique.  The work is very, very strong and yet, she was immersed in a crisis of confidence as she prepared to receive the artist’s feedback.  When he told her he was impressed by her work, the change in her was visible.  The confidence returned to her face.

I wonder if one of the best things we can do to fight a crisis of confidence is to hype the people in our lives.  When our musical friend is killing it, we should tell them they’re killing it.  We should tell our artist friends when we love their work.  Don’t just like the post, actively tell them you love it and why you love it.  Take the time to point out what they’re doing great.  Remind your creative friends that their writing, their musical performance, their great ideas cause you to consider true beauty and make you smile.  Don’t just assume that they know how much joy they bring into the world with their work.  Remember that just like you, they need to be reminded of what is true.  Perhaps often.  

Doing this will have an impact on you.  During your dark night of the soul, eventually you’ll begin to realize that you are also doing some of the things you’ve been praising your friends for doing.  You’ll remember the kind thing you said to them and you’ll realize that is also true of your work.  You’ll also build a posse of creative friends who know what it’s like to lose confidence.  They’ll begin to hype you and when you are down, they’ll be there to pick you up.  In this way, you’ll receive the same energy you put out into the world.  

You are so much better than you give yourself credit for being.  Humility is awesome but honesty is crucial.  Look for the good in others and make sure they know you see it.  Look for the good in you and make sure you know you see it.  

music and art trip (edisto blackwater boogie II)

Last year my friend Dan invited me to draw during a music festival in Ridgeville, SC.  It sounded fun and I love Dan, so I happily agreed to try something new.  It was a great experience so when I was invited back this year, I didn't even think before saying yes.  Then, like all far away calendar events, I forgot about it and moved on with life.  When October rolled around again, I stocked up on markers and made plans to be near Ridgeville for the festival weekend.  

Last year, I freaked out a bit when I saw I was drawing in front of everyone beside the stage.  This year I saw the map ahead of time and was able to prepare myself.  I loaded up my drawing box and hit the interstate.

I drove straight into Charleston because it was a beautiful sunny day and I love Charleston.  When I walked by St. Matthews, the door was open so I decided to walk in.  The interior is so beautiful and I haven't been inside in several years.  If I ever move to Charleston, I look forward to converting so I can go here.

My next religious experience was just up King Street at Cafecito.  This little Cuban place is a must-stop every time I'm nearby.  I grabbed a lunch sandwich and this perfect coffee called a Colada.  It's meant to share with 4 people, but I've never shared one.  

Caffeinated, fed and sugared up, I was ready to get set up for the festival.  I drove to Givhan's Ferry State Park and got everything ready.  The music was set to start in the late afternoon on Friday and I wanted to be ready to begin because I knew it would get dark earlier than I would prefer.

 

The location of my tent was perfect and I stayed out of the afternoon sun.  The ambient light was enough to finish that first drawing.  The big perk of doing this festival is having good music playing all around me while I work.  

After I finished the first drawing, I was able to relax a little and notice what was going on around me.  I got to see this lady do some fire dancing before I clocked out and headed to the hotel.

There was a nice little running path near the hotel and I was able to get breakfast and coffees at my favorite little Summerville coffee shop, Coastal Coffee Roasters.  The coffee was great and I got to see art by my friends Kevin and Andrew.

Saturday was going to be a full day so I wasted no time.  I arrived early and decided to get started with my first drawing just as the first set started.  One of my personal favorites of the weekend was Meredith Foster.  There were a lot of sound issues early on, but she powered through a great version of "Oh Carolina" by Needtobreathe and I was hooked.

This year I was smart enough to do a little bit of brainstorming before arriving.  The first drawing took about 4 hours and that's not a sustainable plan for the weekend.  Starting early on Saturday helped, but I also worked fast and got the second drawing finished by noon.  The third drawing also went pretty fast and it was ready for some finishing touches around 2:00.  This was about the time Violet arrived.

One major difference from last year was that I was alone for the first half of the trip.  Violet loves the festival and she was with me last year as my merch-slinger and assistant, but this year the festival fell on the same weekend as the State Cross Country Meet in Columbia.  Violet qualified to run State so she planned to join me after her race was over.  G drove her down and she was able to enjoy the music with me for the rest of the day.  

One of my favorite parts of the festival is the inclusion of the Edisto Natchez-Kusso tribe.  As the original inhabitants of this area, Dan makes sure they get a spot in the lineup to share some of their culture with us.

These two kids dressed in their traditional outfits and demonstrated a couple of dances before inviting everyone to participate in a group dance.  It was very cool. 

The people-watching at any festival is fun and this one always provides fun moments.  I thought this one was odd until Violet told me the name of the band performing had the word "crow" in it.  Still a cool mask.  There was also a kid wearing a wolf mask for reasons we couldn't guess.  

Last year we tried several foods from vendors but this year the best thing we had was the doughnuts.  These were french toast glaze doughnuts from the Donut Daddy truck.  We absolutely devoured them.  They were so good.

The other favorite part is always Dan.  Dan created the Edisto Blackwater Boogie as a way to provide an opportunity for regional bands to play original music.  It has grown steadily into what it is now and Dan is the reason.  His wife, Jana, is equally amazing and thoughtful and she secretly ordered t-shirts that read "Let's Give It Up For Dan Riley".  She distributed those just before his band went on and we all gathered in front of the stage.  We put on the shirts and then cheered loudly when they came out.  Dan was moved by it and, oh man, does he deserve a show of affection like that.  He then played the best set ever with a full band.  He's awesome.

Awesome people have awesome kids by default.  Jana and Dan's children, Forest and Oscar danced and played while Dan's band performed and it was so great to watch.  Oh, and Forest decided to wear a duck costume!  So cool.

I finished the last drawing just before Dan's band went on.  I was well ahead of schedule because there was still daylight left.  This gave me time to put finishing touches on all the drawings and give them all titles.  The four large drawings were then auctioned off to raise money for making the state park more wheelchair friendly.  

After dark, Violet and I were both pretty exhausted.  She ran a super-fast race that morning and I had created 4 large drawings in a short span of time.  We loaded up our gear and headed out to get some food and rest.  We were probably both asleep well before our usual bedtimes.  

The next morning we headed back into Charleston to meet a friend for breakfast.  We grabbed our coffee on the way and were delighted to find googley eyes on our cups.  

Kennedy was our breakfast friend.  We had a good breakfast and catch-up time at Big Bad Breakfast and then took our photo with Bill Murray.

Violet was adamant about having Cafecito before going home.  I was more than happy to help with that.  We walked down King Street and went in a few shops.  We also happened by Marion Square and noticed some colorfully dressed people walking there.  We knew something was going on and decided to investigate.  Turns out it was a festival called India Fest.  We watched a guy lead a group meditation and then saw some cool dances.  

Then we saw the henna tattoos and jumped at the chance to get some.  Violet got a more traditional one.

And I went for the skull and crossbones.

We got our Cafecito and enjoyed our time in Charleston.  I had a moment when I realized there were so many cool things going on around me at once and decided to take this photo.  I was standing in the Holocaust Memorial in Marion Square with a Christian steeple in view.  Church bells were ringing and Indian men were drumming beside me.  Everyone was happily existing in the same space together, fully present. 

"We remember the holocaust to alert ourselves to the dangers of prejudice, to express our outrage at the scourge of racism, and to warn the world that racism can lead to genocide."