postscript to changing my mind

 I guess consider this a postscript to the 6 part series about changing my mind.

First of all, thank you to everyone who reached out with support and kind words of encouragement.  I’m a very private person and to publish something like this on the internets feels pretty vulnerable.  If you read it, I appreciate your time and interest, even if you don’t agree with me.  Maybe, especially if you don’t agree with me.

It was probably pretty unfulfilling to read my complete lack of a conclusion and see that I didn’t say that I had discovered any great truth or come to any final conclusions.  I hope that with some time and space, you realized that was kind of the whole point.  I’m not sure there are any final conclusions on this side of human life.  If we are living an examined life, the idea is that we are receiving more data every day that we are alive.  Hopefully we are examining that data and constantly learning from it.  If you’ve believed the same thing about God or religion for many years now, maybe it’s time to ask yourself some hard questions.  Maybe it’s time to reassess.  You shouldn’t fear that kind of thing.  

Remember that there was a time when theologians and scientists were certain that the Earth was the center of our solar system.  There was a time when they agreed Earth was flat.  With new information, they came to new conclusions.  No matter what you are certain of today, as new information is gained, hopefully your neurons are pliable enough to continue to change your own mind.  And changing your mind is ok.  Encouraged, even.  I hope to continue my spiritual evolution and discovery.

Some of you may wonder if I’m a “deconstructionist” or if I’ve been deconstructing my religious background.  I kinda hate labels like that and I’m not a fan of the social media influencers who have helped those labels to become a thing.  The other label is “Progressive Christianity”.  No, I’m not deconstructing and I’m not a Progressive Christian.  Both of those labels insinuate that I’m doing something similar with a whole group of people.  I am not.  I am an individual human with a specific personal history with specific personal experiences.  Some of those may be shared by others, but no one has the exact same history I do.  I’m not saying I’m special, I’m just saying that we are not the same and that it is our differences that make us awesome.  

Maybe, by definition, I am taking what I was taught as a younger person and analyzing those teachings to see if I still want to live by them.  That’s not deconstruction, that’s learning.  And the whole “Progressive Christian” thing really bugs me.  There’s nothing progressive about doing something some guy did over 2000 years ago.  Maybe the historical Jesus was “progressive”, but he was not a Christian.  He was very Jewish.  Look it up.  Modeling your life and actions after someone who lived 2000 years ago is not progressive.  It is copying an existing model.  All I’m saying is that the Modern Evangelical Church isn’t acting in a way that is like the life or teaching of the historical Jesus.  

I’m also not Jesus.  I will absolutely yell at you if you pull out in front of me and drive slowly on a two-lane rural road.  Living similarly to the way the historical Jesus lived is the goal.  I fall short of that goal daily.  I want to love you but it’s hard, especially when you can’t drive.  (Of course I know it’s me, not you.)

I’d also like to apologize for the lack of photos in the posts.  I tried to upload one representative image for each post and after the first one, the software wouldn’t allow it.  Even with a new laptop (a major life change that happened right in the middle of posting these parts that I had uploaded as drafts) I couldn’t upload an image.  It wouldn't let me upload one for this post either and it wasn't a draft.  I’m perplexed, but I guess the words were why we were all here anyway.

Where do we go from here?  Well, you’re certainly in a position to judge me now, because you have more data about me.  You can believe that I’m confused if my thoughts and beliefs don’t line up with yours.  If so, you can pray for me.  I’m always accepting kind words to God on my behalf.  You may not, however, tell me I’m wrong.  If you’d like to discuss your beliefs, my beliefs or some of the data I have mentioned about the Bible, I would be glad to do that with you.  The thing is, even with your dogma and doctrine, even with your PHD in religious studies, you still don’t KNOW anything for certain.  So, I’m happy to listen to your beliefs, but I will not be hearing out your condemnation.  

On the other hand, if you find yourself in the position of having questions of your own, you should consider me a safe place.  I’m always happy to toss around questions and ideas and I’m happy to share with you anything that I have historical information or data about.  I’m not in a position to judge you because I understand that neither of us know anything for sure.  

That’s one of the main reasons I put my own beliefs out there into the world with these posts.  I wanted you to see that it’s ok to have questions and doubts about what you believe.  I’m even suggesting that it’s normal and beneficial to have questions and doubts.  It’s certainly more personally attractive than being so certain you are the only one who has figured it all out and that you have all the answers.  Fundamentalist Christians and Atheists both bore me with their fake certainties.  And Agnostics are just lazy.  

That was super-judgmental of me.  Please forgive me.  

I joked in Part 1 that by beliefs are part of the reason why I am the way I am.  I also mentioned in Part 4 that I took classes on how to “witness” to people, or to explain to them how they were lost and in need of a savior.  I wanted to share that my personal belief about evangelism and being a witness is very different from the Evangelical Church’s model.  I want people to know about the love of God but I do not believe that an effective way to share that information is to pull up to their house or accost them in public and initiate an intentional conversation designed to tell them that they are on their way to Hell without God.  I have no reliable data from a Biblical source to even indicate the existence of a physical place of eternal torment (and neither do you).  I’ll also add that if you need the fear of eternal punishment in order to do good things for others, you do not have faith in the God of love.  You have fear and “there is no love in fear” (1 John 4:18).  If “God is love” and there is no love in fear….you’re following this train of thought, right?

I believe, by lived experience, that the most effective way to demonstrate that love exists is to show love to others without an agenda.  That is a true witness for God.  That is good news (gospel).  It’s also just what we all know feels like the right way to live.  I do not believe this is something you go out and do as an intentional activity.  I believe this is how you live your life in the big and small moments.  It should be who we are all trying to become.  

As I said, I’ll yell at you for silly things you do in a car.  I’ll lose my temper with you when you irritate me.  I’ll definitely laugh at you if you fall down in front of me.  I’m not intentionally trying to be a bad person, I’m just still becoming love.  I’m trying, I promise.  Come on though, it’s funny when I fall too.

I have good friends who are Jewish, Atheist, Agnostic, bad Christians, really great Christians, and one of my favorites, non-Christians who are far more “Christ-like” than most Christians.  I have good friends who are gay, bisexual, all sorts of spectrum flavors of straightness and gayness, trans and I even have a lot of boring straight people in my life.  

Imagine looking up in the summer sky after a storm and seeing a rainbow, except it’s just one color, let’s say red.  I mean, that’s pretty cool.  You look up and see a red arc of color in the sky.  You’d still point and pull out your camera.  Compare that to a few weeks ago when you looked up and saw the bright red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet arc across the sky.  Red was cool, but all those colors together?  Just wow, right?  

That’s how I see human relationships and friendships.  I have no interest in hanging around with a bunch of people who are all just like me.  In fact, that would probably be really annoying really fast.  I consider it a blessing to get to go to school each day and spend time getting to know so many different people from different belief systems and different backgrounds.  I prefer lots of colors.  That’s where real beauty lies.  

I say that to say this:  I like it when you don’t agree with me.  I find you much more interesting when you see things a different way.  I have much to learn from you if you have different thoughts and ideas.  If we agree on everything, I don’t even know what we’d talk about.  I invite you to disagree with me.  I think it’s healthy.  

Now, I’m over the whole spirituality topic.  It’s time to get back to thinking about art.  It’s been a busy summer in that area and we have a lot to talk about soon.

changing my mind: part 6 of 6

 Part 6:  the complete lack of a conclusion

Historically, Rabbis of the Jewish faith were significant because their job was to study their holy texts and use that study to provide guidance in everyday life for their contemporaries in the community.  Rabbis knew that the Torah was not written with the specific details that might help citizens navigate life in the 1800s, 1900s and 2000s.  They understood their task was to read the Torah to understand the larger story that was unfolding.  These very educated teachers would interpret the guiding ideas behind specific, perhaps outdated laws and rules and decide how the same principles might guide modern believers.  (By the way, if you’ve never read A.J. Jacobs’ book “The Year Of Living Biblically”, you absolutely should.  It’s a great illustration of the difficulties of attempting to live literally by laws written thousands of years ago.)

It is possible that a Rabbi could interpret scripture in a way that was contrary to that of another Rabbi.  Both could use the guiding principles of scripture to arrive at different outcomes.  When the historical Jesus, himself called “Rabbi” by his followers, studied in the Temple and debated other Rabbis, this is what was happening.  He was fond of starting a sentence with “you have heard it said…” and then changing everything up with a “but I say unto you…”  This was his manner of teaching during his lifetime, to interpret scripture and to provide some guidance based on the underlying themes of scripture.  Many of his teachings flew in the face of what the most popular Rabbis were teaching at the time.  He seemed to be saying, “Hey, y’all are doing it wrong.  Let’s think about this a different way.”

Many of the other Rabbis saw Jesus as a problem, a rule breaker.  To them, he was “out”.

As far back as I can remember, my mom would wake my brothers and me up on Sunday mornings and make sure we got ready for church.  We’d eat breakfast, throw on our “Sunday clothes” and head out the door, leaving my dad in the bed at home.  Often, when we’d return home, he was still drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper in his underwear at the kitchen counter.  I had heard stories about my dad being a deacon in the church at one point in the past and I wondered in my big, naïve blonde head about why he didn’t go to church anymore.  After all, I was being taught by my well-meaning Sunday School teachers that people who didn’t go to church on Sundays were probably “lost”.  Thinking about my dad like that didn’t sit well.

When I got a little older and more indoctrinated, I started to worry that maybe it was true.  I was encouraged to invite my dad to church.  When I did, he would smile and say no.  What the heck?  Maybe he didn’t believe in God.  Maybe he didn’t like God.  I mean, why else would he refuse to go to church?  

Men from the church would visit him from time to time.  “Visit” is a euphemism for attempting to evangelize someone.  Every Monday evening church members would meet in the church office and create a strategy for how they were going to go out into the community and “visit” people on their lists.  This meant they were going to intentionally steer all conversations to the point where they could ask someone if they had ever accepted Jesus into their hearts.  This later evolved into the class I mentioned earlier.  Church people would come, not realizing they had met their match in my dad.  

Most often they’d find him outside still working after 7:00 pm on a Monday night.  They’d pull up, pile out  and be all eager to engage when they’d walk into the brick wall that was my dad’s irresistible charm and humor.  He knew what they were doing, but these were his friends from long ago and he would immediately have them derailed as he told them joke after joke after joke.  I think most of these visits ended completely off script with the men scratching their heads and wiping away tears of laughter as they sheepishly drove away.  

As a young adult, I got into a conversation with my dad about church.  He was happy that I had recently been ordained as a deacon and he spoke about what a big responsibility that was.  The conversation accidentally switched lanes and for the first time ever, I listened as he told me about how he had been a deacon in the same church and that it was a falling out with a certain minister that sent him away from the church.  

The scales fell away from my eyes as his story unfolded.  He was a man filled with love for others and he demonstrated that love in many ways to the people he encountered daily, especially his family and hist students.  At a certain point in his life, he realized that the organized church was not always the best at leading with love.  He saw himself to the door and decided to follow Jesus’ teachings of love and grace on his own.  It was my naivety that had caused me to misinterpret his lack of desire to go to church.  

I can’t help but remember the incredible crowd of people who showed up to my dad’s funeral.  People I had never met lined up to share stories about something nice my dad had done for them and how much they loved him.  All those years I thought he should have been in church, he was out in the world loving people exactly as they were.  Doing kind things for them, refusing to accept payment, being the helping hand they needed, you know, exactly the way Jesus demonstrated.  He never told anyone what they had to believe.  He never told anyone they needed to do something to earn his love.  What a sermon.  

In fairness, my dad had a lot of shortcomings as well, but even those didn’t prevent him from loving people when it mattered.  I am not out here trying to use my dad’s beef with organized religion as an excuse.  I actually think it’s really interesting that we both ended up having similar experiences but even my dad would probably think my current beliefs are kind of kooky.  He would probably tell me in a very funny and not appropriate for all audiences kind of way, too.  He was funny like that.  

Ok, but why write all this down and share it publicly if I haven’t come to any conclusions?  One reason is to provide an example similar to my own father’s example.  He was a man who had a great heart filled with love and lived a life that was more “Christian” than many of the church people who judged him.  So what exactly is that an example of?

We have all helped to create a world built on binaries.  Things are right or wrong, left or right, Republican or Democrat, masculine or feminine, black or white.  When it comes to religion, particularly the one I grew up in, you were either Christian or you were lost.  You were “in” or you were “out”.  My dad lived in a world where he was considered “out”, yet I could easily argue that he was more “in” (as far as living a life like Jesus) than the people who considered him “out”.  

Recent polls of Millennials indicate that this age group is separating themselves from the modern American Church in droves.  They don’t support Christian Nationalism and they increasingly see themselves in disagreement with many policies and ideas the Church supports.  As a Gen Xer, I can tell you that many people in my generation are facing the same situation.  The problem is that we were always taught that you were either in agreement with the Church or you were “out”.  My dad knew that was a false dichotomy and I know it too.  You can be unsure of a lot of things about theology and still be love to everyone around you.  You can disagree with your local church and still be “in” according to the Bible.  In fact, I’m quite fond of something Bob Goff likes to say in his books on spirituality.  I’m paraphrasing, but it’s something like, “Jesus draws a circle around us and says everyone is in!”

As for me, on a good day, I’ll show love to those I share space with through the day.  On those days, I’ll be generous with kindness, grace, money and forgiveness.  Hopefully some of the unsolicited advice I offer will help people avoid pain and discomfort.  If I’m lucky, maybe I can be the warm sunshine in your otherwise overcast and rainy day.  It won’t be every day, but maybe it could be most days.  Hopefully it will not matter what you believe, who you choose to love, what clothes you decide to wear or how you choose to worship.  

Hopefully, I will stay curious.  I want to continue to live in and through the questions, content to not have all the answers.  I may not understand you or your choices any more than I understand me and my choices, but I can still love you just as you are.  Just as I feel loved by the God I don’t understand.  Hopefully I’ll live the second half of my life feeling the magic and mystery of God.  Hopefully I won’t reach a point where I think I have found the Truth and that the rest of you are idiots.  

Who knows?  I may change my mind about everything tomorrow.  That’s the beauty of keeping an open mind.  I invite you to question everything you were ever taught.  Anything worth believing can withstand the questions.  

changing my mind: part 5 of 6

 Part 5:  but the greatest of these is...

I read my little books and lived my little life and I studied my copy of the Bible.  This cocktail of research, study and examination has led me to a point where I have a lot of unanswered questions.  I have met and loved a lot of people who live in certainty.  Some of my best friends from my teenage years are probably praying for me right now because they believe I’ve backslidden or left “the faith”.  I see it differently.  It is true that I have left a belief system that told me I could be sure of lots of things related to God.  However, I am more certain that God is something than I ever was before.  I believe this, in part, because of magic, because of mystery and because I have seen the power of simple love.  I am certain that a life of love is a better way to live.  

Sadly, I’m also certain that the modern American evangelical church is not living a life of love.  Their collective support of multiple politicians who do not demonstrate or promote any of the “fruits of the Spirit” have led them to collectively dehumanize people groups who are different from them and to abandon the needy (the poor, the widow and the stranger).  Whatever theology they’re selling that makes them put on a red hat and cheer for a foreigner to be shot in the street is not a theology I’m interested in believing.  Surely there is no God in that theology.  There’s definitely no love in it and God is love…1 John 4:8.  

If anything, the modern American evangelical church has been my biggest motivator for moving away from a dead, loveless belief system into a life-giving, love-filled belief system.  I have been in the pew for many years of being told that certain politicians were “evil” and “demon possessed” and I was encouraged to vote for a particular candidate simply based on the fact that he was present in the worship service that day and that he claimed to be a “pro-life” Christian.  When I got older, I realized that I knew a lot of terrible people who claimed to be “pro-life” Christians and many of them frequent churches.  Worse, many of them were idiots and the church helped get them elected to public office.  

Perhaps this is tangental but since we are near the topic, one of the most embarrassing things about discovering how Evangelical Christianity was strategically hijacked by politics was realizing how the topic of abortion was weaponized by the political lobby.  This happened during my childhood and I saw it first hand in my home church.  When polls showed that Christians were not voting, political activists intentionally tried to mobilize those Christians by rallying them behind the topic of abortion.  Scripture was used out of context, basic tenants of Judaism were ignored and "Pro-Life" became a thing that all good Christians must vote for.  Literally, nothing else about a politician mattered when I was a teenager and I fear that hasn't changed.  My wife worked in the NICU with premature and very sick babies for over 20 years and what I learned through those stories has helped form my data driven beliefs about abortion.  It is far more complex than you have ever imagined, unless you are a NICU doctor or nurse, and one of the biggest hipocracies of Evangelical Pro-Lifers is that those babies that you say you care so much about become school children, adults and elderly citizens who continue to be worthy of love and support long after many stop caring about them because they get born.  They're so concerned with getting them out of the womb and then they couldn't care less.  Many Christians were used by politicians and that has only multiplied in recent years.  Embarrassing.  Ok, back to the topic...

I was in the pew when I was told, with passion, that I needed to love my neighbor as I love myself.  I was given persuasive illustrations of angels appearing to men and women in need to see how we would respond.  I was told that what I did to the least of those people, I actually did to Jesus himself.  

I was also in the pew when the minister told me that welfare was bad and that “if you don’t work, you don’t eat”.  I was told that some people were taking advantage of the system and that those people should be punished and that they should just go get a job.  I watched from the pew as those seated around me voted to take away free breakfast and lunch from hungry school children.  We love you in the womb, you're on your own after birth.

I was in the pew when I learned that the nation of Israel was told by God to always treat the foreigner and stranger well and to never forget that Israel was once “a stranger in a strange land”.  And then that same church collectively voted for an administration that promised to round up thousands of “illegal immigrants”, put them in cages, and send them back where they came from.  

I was in the pew when they passed out “WWJD” bracelets and told us that in every situation we should ask ourselves “what would Jesus do?”  Actually, I was in a folding metal chair in the gym during a youth group meeting and I was one of the leaders handing them out.  Then I watched as the church collectively supported political and social agendas that were the exact opposite of what Jesus did in the Bible they studied.  

I don’t believe in that kind of religion.  I don’t believe that the God of the Bible would look favorably upon what this country has been doing in the name of “Christianity” over the last couple of decades.  I believe in love.  

Which brings up another biggie.  Anyone on the outside of the echo chamber of the modern American Christian Church may find a more loving and grace-filled way of reading how the Bible talks about salvation.  One academically legitimate way to interpret that is something called “universal salvation”, the idea that all humans have received the love and grace of God whether they want it or not.  I want to believe this because it is the most loving possibility I can imagine.  My desire to believe it is a bias I am working on as I continue to read, study and live.  But wouldn’t that be cool?  

I actually heard an Evangelical argument against universal salvation that essentially boiled down to the idea that “those people” don’t deserve grace because they refuse to give themselves to God during their lifetime.  You know, the exact definition of grace, something that is given that no one deserves.  I also heard a counter argument that gave examples of workers hired at various times during a work day, some right at the very end of the day and they were all paid the same wages by the owner of the farm.  When the workers hired in the morning realized they worked all day for the same wages as those who only worked a few minutes, they were upset.  Oh, wait, that was actually Jesus telling the parable of the workers.  My bad.  (Matthew 20:1-16)

So, at the very least, it’s a possibility.  I love living in possibility.  It’s so much nicer than living in the land of condemnation and judgment.  I mean, regardless of your personal doctrine, wouldn’t you want everyone to have the best possible outcome if there’s an afterlife?  That certainly sounds like “good news” to me.  Sounds a lot like love and God is love, right?  

changing my mind: part 4 of 6

 Part 4:  the magic and the mystery

As a teenager, I was pressured into taking a class at church about how to “witness” to people.  This was a step-by-step program designed to have you meet a stranger and engage them with questions about their personal beliefs about the afterlife in a matter of minutes.  The conversation was invasive, pushy and very uncomfortable for everyone involved.  The class taught any wannabe pushy Christians how to not only engage in a conversation about eternal judgement, but also argue for a belief in God.  The entire premise was that you could learn to prove that Jesus was the only way to Heaven.  We were given talking points and potential arguments so that we could prepare for these conversations.  While I was far too introverted to ever follow any of the class advice, I did come away with the idea that religious beliefs could be argued and proven like a scientific equation.

Later in life, I came to understand that faith is the opposite of proof.  You actually don’t have to have faith if you think you can prove it.  The very nature of faith, at least as the historical Jesus presented it, is that it is magic.  I can’t prove to you that God is real, but I can feel the magic of God in my life.  Sure, I can teach you dogma and doctrine and lay out proof in historical documents about why those beliefs are held by a certain group, but I can’t make you feel God in this Chili’s.  Only God can do that.  Or Chili’s.  I’m honestly not really sure who would be responsible for that.

I believe in magic.  Not the weird guys making the Statue of Liberty disappear, but the gut feeling you have about something without any facts or data.  The coincidence of meeting a specific person at a specific time.  The feeling of a comforting presence in the darkest night of your life.  

If you hold Christian beliefs and believe the Bible, how could you not believe in magic.  What do you think a miracle is anyway?  When water was turned into wine, two guys walked on the surface of the water, thousands of people were fed by a basket of food and a couple of dead guys just got up and walked out of their graves, how is that not magic?  Where’s your data and science in those stories?  You can’t prove those things to anyone, especially when they don’t naturally accept your book and beliefs.  And please stop with the shroud of Turin and Noah’s ark.  No, you can’t prove that cloth was wrapped around the historical Jesus and they didn’t just find Noah’s boat.  Just like you can’t prove the walls fell down in Jericho or that a huge group of people crossed a large body of water and then a desert.  Proof is not why those stories are important.  Proof is not a part of the narrative.  Faith is.  Get yourself comfortable with magic.

So I have magic, but I also have mystery.  This may be my favorite part about what I believe now.  

When you hear the word “God”, what do you imagine?  I realize I’m a visual person, but I was conditioned to see a white haired older man, Caucasian, in a white robe.  “He” was usually above me looking down and he never quite seemed happy.  I probably even saw him with a judgy expression on his face.  He was stern and serious.  He didn’t laugh.  If you’re not a visual person, I’m truly interested in what you imagine when you hear the word.  

Church taught me to use words like “Father”.  This meant God was not only some sort of man-like thing, but that he also had a definite form.  A body.  I imagined this large man-like form, very similar to Michelangelo’s God figure floating on clouds and whipping his hands around while casually creating the Universe.  All of this, of course, is nonsense.  

A true God, who was whatever God was before the known Universe was created and is limitless in power, presence and knowledge, will not be contained in anything like a human body.  The Bible tells us that God is love (1 John 4:8).  That’s interesting, especially if you choose to take it literally.  Love is a feeling, an emotion and a chosen action.  Does this mean that God is your choice to love others?  The Bible also tells us that God is light (1 John 1:5).  Even more interesting if you choose to take that literally.  What do you know about light?  In the scientific world, there’s been a good bit of talk about photons in recent years.  Photons are light, or, they are the bits and pieces that make up light.  They’re puzzling though, because they sometimes behave as particles and sometimes behave as waves.  Even cooler, repeated experiments using the double slit method have suggested that photons behave differently when they are observed.  Right?  That’s just ridiculous.  How could these atomic level things know they are being watched by humans.  And why would they care?  HOW would they care?  What if it were true that God is light?  Atomic level things beyond description, defying rules and doing whatever they want.

Everything you see as a human is because of light.  Your very existence leans heavily on the presence of light.  What if God is the very presence that allows you to see and experience life on this planet?  

Is this what I believe?  Well, not exactly, but can you even allow yourself to wonder, what if?  You see, I believe that God is not anything we can think or imagine.  Everything about our human experience is limited by the fact that we are human.  We know for a fact that there are things that we cannot see, hear, smell, taste or touch that do, in fact, exist.  There is more to our world than our limited senses.  “There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy” to quote the Bible, just kidding, that’s Shakespeare.  God, too, is beyond our comprehension.  I don’t know much about spirituality for certain, but I am certain that whatever God is, is something you can’t be certain about.  God is a mystery.  

If you are the kind of person who hates questions and hates mystery, true belief in God may not be for you.  Maybe it’s better if you stay in a subculture that assures you that everything can be proven and everything makes sense.  You’ll enjoy arguing with people and judging them.  I believe magic and mystery is a better, more loving way to live.  

changing my mind: part 3 of 6

 Part 3:  Literally, the Bible (and life)

Outside of my own childhood echo chamber, I had the freedom to read the Bible without bias.  Ok, that’s not completely true, I was definitely still biased.  Twenty or so years of indoctrination is hard to shake.  But as I read the Bible and engaged with the questions, I now had the space to allow that cognitive dissonance to breathe and even expand.  I actually had a funny experience in my final run of teaching Sunday School to adults that became a help to me.  

Somehow I was asked to be a Sunday School teacher on a monthly rotation.  This must have been 15 or more years ago.  I taught one Sunday each month to a married couples’ class.  At this point, I was still on the outskirts of the Baptist echo chamber, but I saw this role as a way to encourage other adults to ask their own questions and perhaps even nudge them towards the outskirts themselves.  I had complete freedom in what I taught and I took full advantage of that.  One particular lesson I taught was about the importance of questions when it comes to faith and how those questions can help you move toward an even stronger faith.  I used the many questions of Jesus to illustrate the value of questions over answers.  

There were several members of the class who were very supportive of my different approach to these lessons.  A few of them let me know how much they appreciated my perspective that day.  The following Sunday, a different, more conventional teacher in the rotation built a lesson off of my lesson, stressing the importance of “things you should NEVER question”.  I found it pretty hilarious and while I did not agree with this teacher’s take on questions, I did find it interesting that they included “the virgin birth” in their lesson as something we should never question.  I mean, how could you not question that?  That lesson had the opposite intended effect on me as I then began to wonder why the virgin birth was a necessary part of Christian church doctrine.  I don’t have an answer yet, by the way, and that’s ok.  

Not long after that, a new “Minister of Education” came on staff and when he found out our Sunday School class was just doing their own thing without using any of the provided teaching materials, he shut us down and brought in a new teacher.  That's how you keep the echo going.

I read the Bible through way back in the day and then did it again when a church we attended as a family did a shared read-through of the Chronological Bible.  That one really opened some doors of thought for me.  Rethinking the authorship and timeline of the structure of the Bible allowed me to look for outside sources for information.  How old were these texts?  What languages were they originally written in?  What was the intended purpose for writing them down and then eventually choosing them to be a part of the Biblical canon?  

(That pastor did his best to use his Sunday morning sermons to address any cognitive dissonances that arose during the scheduled weekly readings.  Again, this had the opposite intended effect on me as I roundly dismissed his explanations and let my own questions linger.  Angels were having sex with humans and created a race of giants?  Really?  (Genesis 6:2)

Once you begin to see the entire Biblical document as a work of literature instead of a finished book handed from God to Moses (or your local minister) things have the ability to change a bit.  Anything that man is involved in can get tangled.  I remember a youth minister telling me that while the text was written by man, it was inspired by God and God was powerful enough to make sure that the text remained unchanged and pure over the course of time.  That made sense to me as a person who already believed God was much larger and more powerful that we had made him in our heads.  

Then I learned how the King James Version of the Bible was written and translated.  I find it very funny when many small, fire and brimstone churches here in the South talk about the KJV like it was a digital recorder straight from God.  I know people who refuse to go to churches that use other translations.  Sadly, these people haven’t stepped outside of their echo chambers long enough to know that the KJV was actually just a bad combination of the traditional Biblical translations mixed with margin notes from translators and scholars and then put to a nice little Shakespearean accent in a way that was 100% designed to not upset the King of England, who was paying for it.

When I learned this, there was more cognitive dissonance.  How can the Bible be the inspired “Word of God” and be tampered with by man?  How do you figure out which is which, I mean, without having your own certificate of Biblical scholarship from a renowned university?  

And what about that “canon” I mentioned earlier?  Some readers of the Bible are not aware that the books and verses that make up the particular Bible they are holding were chosen from a much larger collection of books and verses that humans had viewed as “the inspired Word of God” for hundreds or thousands of years.  Some dudes got together and decided to evict some of those books.  Some books had chunks of chapters or verses modified or deleted over the years due to discrepancies in different copies of the same text.  I’m not saying the Bible isn’t great or even inspired, I just think it’s important to know something about the origin of a book if you’re going to base your entire belief system and life on it.  

There’s also the thing that is popular here in the South and in Southern Baptist doctrine about the Bible being interpreted literally.  I used to get the gist of what they meant, or I thought I did, but what do you do with literality when you’re dealing with a document that contains a large amount of poetry and stories that are clearly parables or illustrations?  Come on, Solomon, or other ghost writers of the Song of Songs, were her breasts literally two deer in a meadow?  Metaphor is a thing and has been for a long time.

Speaking of the Song of Songs/Solomon, why do we have a bunch of middle eastern erotic poetry in our sacred book if the entire neighborhood of Protestantism is so ashamed of and afraid to talk about sex?  See?  Questions are important.  Questions are a necessary part of education.  Just remember, education is bad because it can make you too liberal.  (Satire for those of you not really paying attention.)

In addition to the Bible, I also absorbed a lot of other written thoughts on spirituality and religion.  My bookshelf would have you believe I’m an ordained minister.  Which is funny, because I actually am, we just don’t talk about that unless you want me to officiate your wedding.  Donald Miller was an early favorite as a spiritual writer.  His book “Blue Like Jazz” woke up a part of my recovering Southern Baptist brain forever.  Before podcasts were really a thing, I downloaded and listened to sermons by Rob Bell and devoured his books.  If you’re still living inside the echo chamber, you might see those names and say, “well, of course, you have terrible beliefs, those are liberal people”, but I also read Francis Chan and other hardcore conservative writers.  And, as a good Southern Baptist youth, I grew up on a healthy diet of James Dobson, Tim LaHaye and Philip Yancey so I definitely needed some free-thinkers to balance that out.  

So I read both the Bible and other spiritually themed books but I will argue that my more recent thoughts and beliefs about the Bible did not come solely from the questions raised by those.  Some of what I currently believe comes from the experience of living life.  I’m not sure I can explain this well, but let’s give it a try.  

As I have lived through a lot of Mondays and Thursdays and Saturday mornings as a human, I have felt a lot of emotions and had a lot of thoughts.  I’ve interacted with other humans and enjoyed friendships, benefitted from community and I’ve also seen some really bad behavior.  I’ve had brushes with narcissists, ego-maniacs and people who were just plain mean for no reason.  Having to learn how to safely interact with these people while also understanding that some of those negative qualities will certainly sometimes surface in my own actions, forces me to consider how my life is a part of a larger society and human experience.  I have felt, for lack of a better example, that I am working as a small part in a much larger human machine, seemingly for some larger purpose.  Some of these feelings align perfectly in my head with a few of the teachings of Jesus that are recorded in the Bible.  

In my highest highs and lowest lows as a human, I have never felt alone.  Lived experience has convinced me of a presence that feels like warmth and softness and love.  I have no historical documents or scientific data to prove that presence to you, and I very much do not need the proof because I have felt it.  I realize how unspecific this description may be, but feeling that very real presence in the world is the best reason I have found to date, to believe that God exists.  And that’s where magic comes into my worldview.

changing my mind: part 2 of 6

 Part 2:  The question is coming from inside the house

My life as an academic started after I broke ties with my childhood church.  I have a distinct memory of sitting in a deacon’s meeting at that church and listening to a discussion about whether or not the church should continue to give a small amount of money to a church member and college student who was studying Theology at the college level.  The student had chosen to go to a “liberal” university and was going to a church where there was a (go ahead and clutch your pearls) woman minister on staff!  The church had been providing a few hundred dollars each academic year to cover the cost of “books” but we needed to see if everyone was still ok with supporting this cause because they didn’t want to support a “liberal” education.

In that discussion and in several other discussions I was present for in that church, I heard the warning that we needed to be careful about people becoming “too educated”.  There were direct warnings given to college students to be wary of liberal college professors who might question their beliefs.  If you sit in one of their classes, you might lose your faith!  I remember being cautioned about one of the universities I was interested in attending for art because the school had a reputation of being “too liberal” on religious topics.  

When you’re in your first half of life and you’re neck-deep in doctrine, warnings like this seem helpful.  I didn’t even waste the money to apply to the liberal school and I thought I was making a moral decision at the time.  When you’re in the second half of life, it’s so much easier to see that kind of warning as cult behavior.  Young people are taught to be fearful of education.  They are encouraged to learn within the institution, not outside of it.  We were supposed to learn the Bible from our pastors, not actual Bible scholars.  Isn’t that odd?  It definitely begs the question of why the church organization would be fearful of data.

When you’re not filling cognitive dissonance with doctrine, your questions might even lead to more questions.  Why did I believe I had to interpret the Bible or a specific verse a certain way?  I believed that because I had a succession of pastors in my early life that all basically taught the same thing - one way of interpreting the Bible.  But where did they learn that specific interpretation?  

As an academic, I am bound by the requirements of my university to conduct academic research on a regular basis.  This means that a certain percentage of my overall workload must be academic research in my area of expertise.  I work at a public institution so I am free to research most topics.  However, those who choose to teach at private religious universities must sign a statement of belief and agree to not conduct research in areas that fall outside the belief system or creed of their university.  One result of such a limitation is that Biblical scholars and others immersed in the world of religious studies at these private institutions may only conduct research that plays well with the belief system of their university.  This limits what they can study, write and publish about in their research.  Once you understand this, it comes as little surprise to find that a particular seminary continues to produce echoing voices in ongoing research.  The echo chamber creates a cycle that remains intact and future generations of pastors and ministers will continue to be educated with the same echoes from the past.  

These echoes are repeated in the sermons and in the educational materials purchased by churches within the same belief system.  The echoes continue as students listen and learn from the echoes and until they eventually become pastors and ministers who are products of the echo chamber, who then pass the echoes along to their congregations, filling any cognitive dissonances with the same familiar echoes.  If your Southern Baptist pastor was educated at Southeastern Seminary or Southwestern Seminary, guess what?  Your Sunday sermons are echoes of that system just like mine were.

Good Christians in my church were encouraged to study the Bible.  Heck, we had Sunday School on Sunday mornings, Discipleship Training on Sunday nights, Bible Study on Wednesday nights and that Sunday morning worship service was the icing on a very big cake of weekly Biblical studies.  However, all of that “education” came from inside the church.  There, it could be monitored and controlled.  No one dared to use those two words, but let’s call it what it was/is.  Remember, when I started to go off script, I was shown the door.  The exit door, apparently not the one Jesus was knocking on during Vacation Bible School.  

In my years of growing up in the church, I saw many potential problem people dealt with quietly.  A teacher or church leader would quietly schedule a meeting with a person who was asking too many questions or teaching something the church didn’t like.  I get it, it’s their club and they get to choose who they play with.  They even had the writings of Paul to back them up when they needed to kick someone out.  If you are still a friend to the system, you may have bristled at my use of the words “monitored” and “controlled” in the previous paragraph.  As a person who was on the inside of many meetings and “talks”, I can assure you those words are accurate.  Echo chambers don’t work unless all the voices are the same.

Each church creates its own subculture and then works really hard to keep everyone in it.  I grew up in the era of churches becoming megachurches.  If you wanted to keep everyone around, you needed to offer more than just services on Sunday.  You needed a gym so the youth can play basketball and maybe they’ll come to the church when they get bored.  You need to have all sorts of classes about finance, budgets, successful marriages, how to raise Godly children and somehow figure out how to use the Bible to teach all that.  You just HAVE to have a coffee shop.  Of course the proceeds will go to the church.  Many churches also starting having “merch”.  You can buy your t-shirts and canvas tote bags with the cool new logo on it in the lobby on your way out.  Don’t forget to pick up the pastor’s latest self-published book while you’re there.  Don't worry, he will be sure to mention his book several times during worship services so you don't forget!

That’s starting to sound cynical, but sadly, it’s also a true depiction of things I’ve experienced many, many times.  All of these things are done to provide all you need within the church.  Many churches offered after-school and daycare, some offered K-12 schools and all offered to provide you all the education you could take, as long as it came from within the echo chamber.  

Here's a true confession:  I chose to pay a crap-ton of money to put both my kids through a private Christian school from Kindergarten through 12th grade.  Why would I do that if I seem to have some sort of beef with churches offering K-12 education?  There’s a really long answer to that if you’re interested, but the short answer is pretty simple.  I was a certified K-12 teacher and I’ve had a LOT of interaction with the public school system.  The particular school my kids attended provided a better quality education in a more love-centered environment.  It’s ok if you think my views are hypocritical.  “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” – Emerson.

changing my mind: part 1 of 6

 Part 1:  Doors and Disonnances

When was the last time you changed your mind about something?  

No, I mean, like, really changed your mind about something big.  Do you know that it’s ok to change your mind, even as an adult?

Just so you know what you’re signing up for with this one, I’m about to share some of my personal spiritual/religious beliefs and questions with you.  If you’re not interested, I totally respect that and I hope you have a good day.  If you’ve always wondered exactly what was wrong with me, well, today may be the day you find out!  Get a beverage and read on.

I was raised in a Southern Baptist church.  Present every Sunday for morning and evening services and very involved in all the things.  I was active as a teenager in Youth Group and as soon as I graduated high school, I was drafted into teaching youth Sunday School.  I was a youth leader and the unofficial youth minister for about a year when our church was between real, paid staff members.  At a certain point in my young adult life, there were only two days each week I wasn’t actively engaged in some church activity.  

As a young child, I heard the Vacation Bible School message of Jesus standing at the door and knocking as a call to salvation.  I was taught about the absolute importance of having a “personal relationship with God”.  I was taught “theology” and Bible stories for as far back as I can remember, including some very formative years when I was preschool age and my mom would give me an offering envelope to scribble on to keep me still and quiet during the sermon.  (I still draw like a madman during worship services to this day.)  It’s an image that lives on in my head.  On the floor on my knees facing the back of the sanctuary.  The rust colored fabric padded pew was my drawing table, the “Baptist Hymnal” was my drawing board.  The envelope, carefully and quietly ripped open gave me much more drawing space.  My mom’s ball point pen was far superior to the tiny mini-golf pencils provided in the pew pockets.  I’d love to have those drawings today.  Sorry, I got distracted.  Where were we?

As a young adult, I thought I had learned the Truth, with a capital T, and it was my responsibility to share it.  I taught what I had learned about the Bible along with what I was strongly encouraged to teach through church provided booklets and study guides, to youth, college aged classes and eventually adult Sunday School classes.  Some of those study materials eventually started begging questions in my brain.  I specifically remember asking the pastor of our church a clarifying question about the words of a popular hymn and asking why the words seemed to call Jesus a metaphorical name that the Bible seems to assign to Satan.  (Those hymn words were “He is the Lily of the Valley, the Bright and Morning Star, He is the fairest of ten thousand to my soul” if you’re interested in doing a deep dive on the other “Morning Star”.)  The pastor confessed that he had never questioned the words of the hymn.  Then he took one of his really thick books from the shelf behind his desk, flipped through it, read a few things quietly, and then laughed and told me I probably shouldn’t worry about it.  

That question was a turning point for me in a very big way.  Without my knowledge, that question put me at odds with the pastor because he was embarrassed and he labeled me a risk as a question asker.  Within a year, I was no longer teaching Sunday School nor was I affiliated with that church, which, in hindsight, is a turn of events I’m so grateful for.  That question was the moment my eyes started to really open.  Maybe I didn’t know the Truth after all. 

Nearly 30 years later, I have continued to be very interested in spirituality and religion, especially when it comes to the Christian flavor of those things.  I consider myself a Christian, but NOT ONE OF THOSE KIND of Christians.  I’m the kind that looks at the life of Jesus and truly tries to live a life that follows his teachings and his behaviors.  I know that I’m not at the end of an evolution of faith and that I am still curious and still learning every day.  I also know that I do not believe the same things I was taught to believe in that Southern Baptist church.  For me, the Truth has changed.  

In that early religious environment, I was taught that the Bible was God’s holy word, inerrant and quite literally true from cover to cover.  Every argument ended at the Bible back then.  A verse would be brought from memory, a Greek word would be explained and any argument would end abruptly.  If you could not accept that the Bible was the final word of Truth then you were not just wrong, but you were also uneducated on the Bible or perhaps a heretic.  Disagreement was not an option.

I was taught a specific doctrine of belief that indicated that Jesus was God, born of a virgin mother, that he lived a sinless life and that he was tortured to death as an intentional blood sacrifice for my sins (and, of course, the sins of all of humanity).  This doctrine extrapolated that the most important thing I could do in life is pray a prayer of repentance and “accept Jesus into my heart”, followed in importance by then making it my life goal to convert all sinners, or to use the lingo, to “save souls from Hell”.

Oh, of course, that meant there was a Hell.  A literal place of eternal punishment complete with fire, brimstone, tormenting demons and every soul who died without “asking Jesus into their heart”.  This doctrine was all based on the interpretation of Scripture (The Bible) and when it didn’t quite make sense, we were then encouraged to have faith “like a child” (Matthew 8:2) and to just not worry about it.

I mentioned the nearly 30 years that passed.  Life has a way of teaching you things through experience.  Another really good way to learn things is to step outside of any echo chambers you may be living in.  When I left my home church, I felt the immediate irony.  The gap between what they said and what they did seemed to grow larger every day.  Without my closest friends whispering reassurance of verses and platitudes at every twist of life, I was actually free to think my thoughts and attempt to live my life with my own faith in God.  The questions rose more and more frequently, as did the disconnect between what I had been taught and what I was seeing as reality.

The first part of my life was classified perfectly by Richard Rohr in his book “Falling Upward”.  I was now in the “second half of life” when the brain needs to make sense of things.  Those disconnects, or cognitive dissonances, need to be closed if one is to truly grow and become what they were created to be.  I think I got to my second half a bit late, but I was at a point where I was willing to ask questions and be genuinely curious about things so maybe that’s not late, just right on time.  Strangely enough, one of the best things I did to untangle all that doctrine was to read the Bible.

I had read the Bible cover-to-cover several times as personal challenges.  You know how I am with stuff like that.  But each time I had read it, I had done so with a lot of prior assumptions about what things meant, the things I had been taught in that first half of life.  When you have a head full of doctrine and you read something in the Bible that doesn’t make sense, that moment of cognitive dissonance is immediately filled with what you were taught in church.  For example:  Early in Genesis, God seems to refer to itself as “we”.  I wondered why there would have been a need to make that pronoun plural.  What does that indicate?  That gap was immediately filled with the doctrine of the Trinity.  If you accept that there is a Father, Son and Holy Spirit, you don’t need to question the “we”, in fact, it makes perfect sense.  But what if, for a few minutes or a few days, you don’t fill that dissonance with doctrine and you just let the question linger?  What might that mean about any potential personification of God?  

I found freedom in that most recent reading.  I was able to be genuinely curious about things that were glossed over or completely left out of church sermons.  Those questions led me to read more materials by scholars and religious thinkers who may be located somewhere other than inside my early church doctrine machine.