another year

Snuggled up between Christmas Day and New Years Day is the weirdest time of year.  I'm lucky to have a job that doesn't force me back to work on Dec. 26 so these days are at my disposal (mostly).  I get up without an alarm, don't worry about what day of the week it is and spend my days drawing, sculpting or doing fun things with the family.  People joke that no one knows what day it is and that we throw routine out the window during this time but I usually have a good idea of what day it is and while my routine is slower paced, I still go through a list of tasks each day.  There's also that nagging darkness and often a cold snap that forces us to turn even more inward than usual.  I love Christmas and am pretty neutral about New Years so it's usually a good time of year for me.  Still, there's the desire to look back on the year and to plan for the new one that always gets me a bit nostalgic.  

Age and busyness has given me a pretty short memory.  I can tell you what the lady's eyebrows looked like at the drive through window in June but I have a hard time remembering what I did last week.  Realizing this weakness in memory, I know it is a good idea for me to look back over the year to have that memory refreshed, especially about the good things.  It's easy to remember those bad things, right?  I'm not going to forget my Aunt LJ's last weeks but I should be careful to not let that bad thing flavor my memory of the entire year.  

Lucky for me we all carry a camera with us every moment of every day.  Memories being rustled up is as easy as opening the photos app on my computer.  I did a little scrolling through that yesterday and I've recovered some memories I'd like to place here for future reference.  You're welcome to read through them as well.  For the sake of organization, I've broken the year down into a few categories.  

Family:

We started the year off right with an impromptu trip to Atlanta.  G had to work but the kids and I were off and we wanted to see the KAWS Prints Exhibit at the High Museum so we took off on the morning of the second day of the year and had a fun little trip.

We got a decent snow and we piled on our mismatched Southern winter layers and stayed outside until we were numb.

We took a couple of vacations to the coast and just like everyone else, we stopped by Buc-ees on the way.  What a strange place.

We got to see mom at least a couple of times each month which I realize is a luxury not everyone has.  My mom is awesome.

And when the kids and I got out of school and G had some days off too, we all got to spend more time in the same room watching our list of must-see Christmas movies.

Friends:

It was a rocky year for my friend Colleen but I am grateful that she was living right on the edge of campus this year.  She couldn't get out much but she did make a couple of visits and we all got to see the famous pooch Poppy a lot.  

Violet and I got to see Willie Nelson in one of only 2 concerts I went to this year.  We had the wonderful surprise of finding jon, Lori and jon's mom as we walked in.  jon was a constant friend this year and added so much to my life.  We'll probably talk about him again soon.

When I get overwhelmed with work, I forget to plan them but I really enjoyed my "Coffee With McAbee" episodes this year.  I got to talk with so many great humans this year but I've chosen to share the image from my visit with Cessquatch (Brandy).  Everything about this one was story-worthy and it was so great to pick up with the last laugh we had and keep it going for a couple of hours.  She's a good one.

She's actually one of many good ones I'm grateful to know well.  Anne, Katertot, Sean and Whisk (not pictured here) are all part of that great group of students I had during my first four years at Lander.  In a way we grew up together.  I got to travel with Anne, Katertot and Sean so you'll see them again but I've opted to put this one under "friends" instead of "travel" because with the adoption of Katherine on our trip, we had a core travel group who spent as much time laughing as we did adventuring.  These friends made the trip so much fun.

And no talk about friends would be complete without mentioning Jana and Dan.  They are so filled with kindness and love and I'm so happy to call them friends.  Dan helped me install a sculpture in the spring just as a favor.  He invited me to be a part of his music festival.  Jana has tied a jet engine onto my art career and has recommended me to just about everyone she knows.  They are amazing friends.  And they have amazing kids...the super-sweet and creative Forest who let me draw on her walls and the hardcore parkour Oscar who is certainly made of of 50% rubber and 50% fearlessness.

Art:

It was a great art year for me.  This sculpture got accepted into an international juried exhibit of public art and then won an Honorable Mention Award.  It's still in the Riverfront Park in North Charleston if you want to go say hello.

I got to do another solo exhibit of "Even When It's Dark" at Francis Marion University this summer.  It was so much fun to do and it got to be up for 3 months.  I was invited back in the fall to do an artist talk and a little workshop too.  Very fun.

The Edisto Blackwater Boogie was the music festival that Dan created and invited me to be a part of this year.  I had no idea how that was going to go and it was very intimidating, but it turned out great.  I made four drawings to raise money for charities and then got a drawing commission from someone who saw me there.  Also very fun.

Before I left for Europe, jon texted me and said he was going to get his van painted this year and he wondered if I would be interested in drawing on it first.  Of course I was interested and after my trip I made that van into a mobile art unit at the BBQ Festival.  It was so much fun.  jon was also kind enough to come in the fall and do some photos for us and he drove the van!

Students:

My students are a constant source of entertainment.  There were funny moments like this one with Kyle and Maggie in the studio.

And moments like this when we did a photoshoot on the steps of the State House (featuring Kennedy and Hannah) on a field trip.

There were also several moments like this when my people show exactly what they really are.  We had several Ninjas of Kindness events on campus this year and this group turned out so many times to help spread joy to strangers.  

We brought back Slogging this semester and while the turnout was rather light, we did have some fun times being active outside.  We got a few good miles in this semester.

I have to mention Victor.  I got to help Victor a lot with his dinosaur sculptures, especially last minute when the big one decided to almost die.  Victor never let things get boring and we miss him for that.

And these three.  The Fun Girls.  I got to hang out with these three for all four of their college years and they were almost always doing something fun.  They found a way to have a good time wherever they were.  They graduated with Victor and I miss them too.

Travel:

I got to go to Barcelona and Venice this summer with school.  I had zero responsibilities and that made the trip so enjoyable for me.  There was a beach!

There was so much art.  The Sagrada Familia by Gaudí was a transformative experience.  

There was much fun to be had.  We ate all the foods and drank all the drinks.  We followed a stranger into a basement and lived to tell the story.  I think I did a Tik Tok dance with Jessica.  Good times.

Venice was magical.

Sean was a great roommate and the whole crew was a great travel crew.  We had such a great time.

Running:

Don't roll your eyes, running is a huge part of my life.  I ran every day this past year and have been lucky to continue my runstreak to about 4 1/2 years now.  One of the notable runs was in subfreezing temps during the snow.

I ran the Greenville Half Marathon and finished in 1:43 and I'm very proud of that time.  See all those guys behind me?  I beat them.  

I love running on vacation.  It's a great way to explore and see things that are off the beaten path.  I got to run in Barcelona and Venice and I loved every mile.  Turns out sometimes there are very high crackheads off the beaten path and they're way faster than you'd expect.

I love running with my kids.  Blue opted to switch to the Field events this year and he's been throwing heavy things instead of running so now Violet has to suffer alone.  This year she really made a huge jump in her running and started to enjoy it.  I know, right?  It was amazing.  We did runs just for fun and even ran some longer distances just because she asked.

And just a couple of weeks ago, without even training, she ran her fastest 5K ever and won her age group.  I ran my fastest 5K in a long time but didn't get a trophy because there were 4 really fast old dudes.  Ugh.  But Violet getting first place was more than enough to make me happy.

Of course there were other things that happened that were wonderful and great, they just didn't fit neatly into a category.  I met really cool people, saw really great art, had moving conversations, gave a eulogy, caught myself on fire a few times, played some music, made some art I'm really proud of, the family stayed healthy, and I laughed a lot.  It was a very good year for me.

I hope it was a good one for you too.  Take some time and remember.

the funk, and not the good kind

It feels like a good time of year to be really vulnerable and honest.  Maybe it's the short, dark days, the desire for annual reflection, or maybe it's the ridiculous cloud cover we've had in our normally sunny spot, but my mind has been drifting towards the funk lately.  Specifically the art funk.

I've learned a little about perception this year.  I have some wonderful friends who treat me like a mini-celebrity and I've noticed that the friends they introduce to me also treat me that way.  In an unrelated weird moment this year, a grown adult person stood in front of me and said that they were having a "fan-girl" moment about meeting me in real life.  What the actual heck?  

Over my years of teaching I've almost gotten used to students who say they were scared to take my class or that they were intimidated by me.  I remember being intimidated by my professors before I knew them but honestly I still chalk most of my students' misguided fears up to the fear of power tools and welding rather than of me.  Still, when I was interviewed for a student-run magazine this semester, the very first question was about me being intimidating and it was asked by a student who had taken my class at least twice.  Again, what the heck?  

Outside perception is often (always) erroneous.  We say this like we know it to be true and then we flick through Instagram and marvel at how wonderful some stranger's life seems.  I suppose this could happen with me if you looked at my Instagram and really, that's mostly how we "know" people these days, right?  It's definitely a highlight reel of my life.  I looked.  There are lots of drawings and sculptures that I'm proud of.  There are images of fun and cool things I got to do.  There are images of my family.  My dogs.  Lots of running stuff.  

Do you know what you don't see on my Instagram?  You don't see the pep talks I have to give to myself before walking into a social event.  You don't see the immature fit of rage when it's the last straw of the day.  You don't see the lack of confidence I can have in myself.  You don't see the sinking feeling of hearing a student is talking trash about you.  You don't see the moments of extreme frustration when you wonder if anything you do is worthwhile.  Even though you don't see them, they're all there.

Recently I had a couple of days I can't really explain.  I woke up, ran, had coffee and watched as a terrible mood settled over me.  I felt zero confidence.  I think I was up to about 9 art rejections in a row at that time.  I thought about my calendar and realized I currently have no exhibits scheduled.  Who knows if I'll even be able to draw or sculpt anything good ever again?  The semester was ending in a chaotic roar of critiques and trying to help students and I tried to check my course evaluations only to find that so few of my students actually did them that there were no results to view.  I taught 11 or 12 courses this semester.  Not one of them had an evaluation for me to view.  Over the last couple of months I watched my always awesome, always healthy favorite aunt wither away and die.  On this particular day I forgot for a millisecond that she was dead and thought that I would see her at the Christmas party.

There was no Instagram post to document this.  I sometimes forget that I spend a lot of time in my head.  The continuous narrative in there isn't audible to other humans.  What I feel and what I really think - other people don't get that unless I tell them.  They just see the running photo and think "That crazy McAbee is out running in the cold again".  They don't see the funk that's just as fast as me.

The gap between perception and reality is Grand Canyon-ish in size.  That's something we could all stand to remind ourselves of on a regular basis.  

Speaking of reminders, I did get out from under the funk.  The cool art writer Austin Kleon recommends that artists keep a computer folder of successes and good things so that when they have a funky day, they can open that folder and be reminded that they are not crap.  I pass this advice along to my students each year because it's more than just a good way to get out from under the art funk.  The way we talk to ourselves is important and if you ever find yourself saying negative things to yourself, I suggest you stop that nonsense immediately.  C.S. Lewis wrote that we need to "constantly be reminded of what we believe".  That's what self talk is.  We are constantly reminding ourselves who we are and what we believe is true.  Good or bad.

If I'm looking at 9 fresh rejections and wondering if I'm irrelevant, I'm defeated before I even start.  But I can go to a file on a computer and see that I made a lot of stuff this year.  I was in a lot of shows.  I helped a lot of people.  I made people smile.  Then I can remember that what I do is important.  I am reminded that this is the truth.  This is who I am.

And today I got off my butt and finished a new sculpture.  Maybe those 9 people didn't like my art but I can keep making more and increase my chances statistically, right?  (I'm seriously asking, I got a mercy D in Statistics.)

Y'all be good to yourselves please.  We're all out here counting on each other.