A million years ago my friend Armir and I went to grab a coffee before class. I think at this point he was an upper level student and we got along really well. There’s a whole story about Armir, but this isn’t that story. That Thursday morning coffee before class just sort of became a weekly thing and Coffee With McAbee was born. Armir graduated and started working for the school and coffee continued. We were real ones too. Our Starbucks friends would give us the giant ceramic mugs and make our coffees pretty. Don't tell Armir I told you this but we both like the frilly drinks.
When he moved away, the coffee void was filled by various students and it was just an informal but weekly thing we did if we had time. We’d gather at Starbucks and have a coffee for a few minutes before class. Eventually this turned into another type of meeting and Coffee With McAbee took a different turn.
Now, whenever the mood strikes me, I will message someone and invite them to have coffee. We’ll chat for a while, I’ll judge their coffee beverage choices (and usually extrapolate a whole view of their character based on that judgment) and I’ll take a photo to post on Instagram to make it official.
During the years that I’ve done this, I’ve heard and overheard some people wondering why I haven’t invited them for coffee. I’ve also had good friends wonder why I would put myself in the awkward position of being a wannabe podcast host when I so clearly prefer to be alone. I’d like to use this post to figure that out for myself and to share it with you if you are curious.
First of all, there are so many people and I’d probably like to have coffee with 99% of them. Even if I don’t prefer your company, I also know that you are a beautiful human with an interesting story and I enjoy stories. So if you’ve ever wondered why I haven’t invited you to coffee yet, blame math. There’s one of me and lots of y’all. I’m pretty ridiculously busy both during the semester and during breaks. When I do get a bit of time to dedicate to sitting down to talk with someone, there are a lot more of you than there are of me. And just because I had coffee with someone else doesn’t mean I like them more than I like you, it just means that the Universe picked them first. I guess I should explain that, too.
So, here’s how I choose who to have coffee with: I don’t. I decided a long time ago that it’s too much pressure. The last thing I want to do is make someone feel left out or unloved, especially when the whole point of having coffee with someone is to show them love and to make them feel seen. Choosing is too hard and I’m human. Knowing that, I decided that I would keep my eye open to opportunity and if things seem to line up for a particular person, I’d pursue that. If a friend is in town briefly and our schedules line up, that’s the Universe saying “have coffee with them”. Sometimes people suggest we have coffee. That’s especially cool when I have been thinking it would be cool to have coffee with that person. I take that as a sign. Sometimes I am willing and available but no doors of opportunity seem to be open and I go have coffee alone. I was actually doing that a while back and one particular person walked by and I thought that I would like to have coffee with them. A few weeks later, we did and it was perfect.
Is it a bit of a cop-out to not really have an agenda for who to invite? Definitely and I’m happy to have it. Y’all probably don’t know the hell it is for me to invite someone to coffee. I’m an introvert and I still have every insecurity I had in middle school hiding in the back of my brain. How silly would it be for me to assume someone wanted to sit and talk to me for an hour? They’ll probably say no. They probably think this is a ridiculous bit of nonsense anyway. Many of the guests are students and you know they’re sick to death of me by now. Why would they want to spend time with me outside of class? I mean, they probably hate me, right? And I’m supposed to just put all those ideas out of my head and send an invitation out of nowhere? No thanks. I’ll pass. I’ll go get a coffee and sit alone and draw in my sketchbook.
The next circle of hell is what comes after that. I feel like I’m supposed to talk to people. I’ve seen the power a conversation can have and how it can positively impact someone. I’ve developed strong friendships through the years over coffee. I still remember exact words spoken to me by my professors some 30 years ago. Connection is so important. That responsibility is what forces me out of my shell to ask someone to coffee.
Then, like every good introvert, I don’t want to go. Is there a good reason to cancel? I mean, it might rain. How am I going to keep a conversation going for 30 minutes or longer? What if it’s just awkward silence? Maybe they’ll cancel at the last minute.
And then, also like every good introvert, I’m always so happy that I went. The conversation was great and I learned so much about the person. We established a real connection that may benefit that person for years to come. Or maybe we reconnected after a few years and renewed a good friendship. Whatever the case, I never regret having coffee with people. I love y’all.
Summer break has arrived and with it, my hermit status is back. I look forward to long studio days here on the plantation without seeing anyone who doesn't live in my house. When I do venture out, it will likely bring an opportunity for coffee.
If you’ve been waiting for your invitation, I hope the Universe will bring our schedules together. And then I’ll be terrified and I’ll hope you’ll cancel and then I’ll be thrilled that you didn’t and that we had an amazing conversation.
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