There I was, minding my own business in front of my computer. Just a regular day at school, nothing special. I had just gotten the hang of my fall semester classes again after about 3 weeks and was feeling like everything was getting more under control. I was checking emails and carefully reading through them from the top down. I’m sorta weird about my inbox. I need the email to remain “unread” until I’m ready to answer it or do whatever it’s asking me to do. If I don’t keep it “unread”, it will quickly disappear into the abyss of old mail and I’ll wake up in a cold sweat three months from now when I remember that I didn’t answer it. So I respond to one email and then read the next one. It’s just an email advertising a call for art for an upcoming exhibit, but it sends a sharp chill up my spine. Instantly it hits me. I don’t have any art out on exhibit right now. Does that mean I suck?
If you follow my nonsense here or on Instagram, you know it was a busy summer. I had work in several national level juried exhibits all across the country and I did three exhibits in Summerville at once. For most of the summer, I was very busy making lots of new art, shipping art to exhibits and installing a big immersive solo exhibit. In the academic world of art professors, that’s a good year’s worth of accomplishments and it happened in the course of a few weeks. But there, in front of a new call for art, it hit me. You’re doing nothing now. You must suck.
Have I ever told you about my friend David Lancaster? We became best friends in 4th grade after “hating” each other in 3rd grade. It’s a long story and we’re already chasing a distracting story reference, so just go with it. David became a great friend and we spent all of our available time together in school. Beginning in the summer of 10th grade, we also began taking family vacations to the beach together. One summer in the 1980s, we stayed with his grandparents at the ocean front Holiday Inn in south Myrtle Beach. It was next door to a water slide and the smaller pavilion and there was pop radio music blaring from speakers all day and all night. During this particular trip, “What Have You Done For Me Lately” by Janet Jackson was popular and it’s the only song I can remember playing during that entire trip. It’s one of those annoying ear-worm things and I never really liked the song. Because of the weirdness of my brain wiring, when I have a moment like the one in front of that email, that song plays in my head. I can hear the canned music and her staccato lyric “what have you done for me lately?” It’s not a pleasant experience and it only adds to the anxiety I felt that brought the lyric to mind in the first place.
I think about that lyric often when I think about social media and the idea of being a productive artist in the digital age.
My brain speaks: Maybe you did a year’s worth of stuff in a few weeks, but why aren’t you in a show right now? What shows do you have coming up? You don’t have any shows coming up. Does that mean I suck? Am I even still an artist? Why is it so easy to feel like a failure? Why is it so easy to forget all the positive experiences and just focus on the fact that all my work is sitting in my studio? And did you see that so-and-so has a show somewhere now? Why isn’t that you? Have you applied for anything recently? Am I even doing enough? You got rejected so many times. Why do I suck so bad? (Yes, I realize I switched back and forth between I and you…it’s my brain talking and it’s also a part of me…go with it.)
I’m a pretty rational person and after a few minutes I will calm down and realize that professionally speaking, I’ve already had a great year and it’s only September. But do other people know that? I mean, if we’re all just relying on social media to know what’s going on, do people even remember that I did something a week ago? I mean, I can generally get to a rational place in my own head and be honest about my accomplishments but what if other people don’t see that? Or what if they don’t remember?
We’re all living in that Janet Jackson lyric now. The news cycle is now down to being about a day long, and that’s if only one big thing happens in a day. And for artists, a day isn’t very long. It’s really great that you got that big opportunity or award. You’ll get a few likes and comments about it and then, a day later, you’re old news. What have you done for me lately?
I see this in my artist friends as well. One good friend had an exceptional run of exhibits and awards and a couple of weeks later told me how bummed they were about their artwork and lack of upcoming exhibits. Here’s the funny part: I fussed at them for being ridiculous. I listed all the big accomplishments I could remember off the top of my head and the list was pretty long. Then I told them they had selective memory and that they needed to be kinder to themselves. I encouraged them to keep a list of their accomplishments along with a list of kind things people said about their work and to review those lists frequently to keep things in proper perspective. It’s good advice, right?
I guess I need to take my own advice.
And I need to get that stupid song out of my head.
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