One of the goofy things I do in life is “Coffee With McAbee”. It’s my little version of a talk show/podcast that happens in real life, rather than in any sort of recorded fashion. In these “episodes” I get to have coffee with someone and have a fun and interesting conversation. There are a lot of reasons why I do this. Without going on too long about it, I, a self-proclaimed hermit, admit that community and connection are important and this is my effort to meet in real life with people to have the kind of conversations humans used to have before the internet ruined our communication skills and gave everyone “social anxiety”. Sometimes I pick guests on my own and sometimes I solicit requests from the general population (on IG). I try to book a time and we have a conversation with no real plan or preconceived notions. We also have coffee, but the coffee is just a prop, really. An excuse to sit and talk.
I did a horrible job of scheduling these during the fall and when the spring semester began, I set a goal of doing it more regularly. I solicited nominations for guests and I had an episode scheduled within a couple of days. Three weeks passed and I had a new guest every week. I loved doing each one and went away from each episode feeling better than I did going in. That’s apparently what community and connection will do for a person. Weird.
Often, especially during the semesters, my guests are students. We’re in the same zip code and there’s a coffee shop on campus. Easy-peasy. I have a theory that none of us ever really know how other people see us and this is especially true with students. I know who I am. But do my students know who I am? Probably not. Definitely not. Part of my teaching persona is being loud and fun and trying to make sure everyone is having the best time possible while doing some really hard manual labor. Students think I’m outgoing. They think talking to people is easy for me. I’m not and it’s not.
During the first episode of the semester, I was talking to Caroline and when the subject of inviting guests came up, I indicated that it was difficult for me to choose a guest and even more difficult to invite a guest. Her face looked surprised. She thought I was joking and had no idea why I would say something like that in a serious way. I explained that I was shy and that I have all the insecurities that everyone else has. I am honestly genuinely shocked that anyone wants to have coffee with me. I didn’t have coffee with any of my professors while I was a student. I’m not sure I wanted to. How awkward would that have been?
I’m still not sure Caroline believed me and even if she did, she probably didn’t fully get the level of introversion I was attempting to describe.
As I said, it was three weeks and three perfectly wonderful coffee episodes with wonderful people who filled me with positive energy and left me better than they found me. It was great. But then there was week four.
Sometimes a former student or friend comes in from out of town and makes it very easy for me. When they tell me they’re coming, I can assume they wouldn’t mind seeing me and it’s so easy for me to suggest getting coffee. That happened on Monday and I was glad because I was having some hesitation about trying to schedule someone for this week. Sadly, the travel plans fell through last minute and I was left with no guest for Tuesday. Remember when I asked for nominations? I have this long list of names of people who were nominated by other people. It’s on my phone, so it’s literally with me at all times. But that means texting or emailing someone and asking them if they want to have coffee. It also means figuring out when I’ll be where so that I can suggest potential times. I’m constantly moving so that’s tough on its own. Still, these are good names. People I know I will enjoy talking with.
I didn’t message any of them. I just didn’t. But why?
Because as much as I know community and connection are good for me, 99% of me just wants to make art at home and never leave the property. I don’t understand it. I guess, if I’m honest, it’s just really hard to put myself out there and ask someone if they want to have coffee. They could say no and that would suck. But what would be worse is if they felt like they had to say yes but they really didn’t want to do it. Because that’s the scenario that plays in my head. And once that record is on repeat, it’s all I can think about. Then the conversation is flavored with that bitter taste. I have to second guess their facial expressions and their words. Did that micro facial movement mean that they wanted to leave?
Of course that’s ridiculous and something inside me sorta knows that it is. But that won’t stop the brain from rolling on down that road.
If I didn’t want to be that honest, I’d probably say that it was a busy week and I had a lot of other social commitments. I did have a different visit from a former student and we got to have a nice long conversation over chips and dip on Wednesday. Then I had to go to an art reception Thursday for another former student and there I engaged with a few other former students and a colleague. That’s enough for an introvert in one week, right?
Either way, it feels like I weaseled out of Coffee With McAbee this week because I didn’t want to do it and the hilarity is that’s the very thing I’m afraid someone else will want to do when I invite them.
Maybe I’ll be back with some regularly scheduled programming next week? Stay tuned.
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