The cold, dark winter months make me introspective and with the ever-so-short break from work in December, I usually find a way to vent some of those thoughts here on the blog. That’s sort of why this thing exists anyway, to record what I’m thinking as I evolve or grow old as a human. Last January, I wrote a banger of a post that I think needs to get a little more air-time. I reread it recently and still agree with almost all of it. If you missed it, maybe take a break and go read it. I’ll wait.
That post reminded me that I’m now a whole year into needing reading glasses to see close up. How’s the rest of me holding up physically, mentally, emotionally? How’s my job situation? Or situations? This seems like a good time to check in on myself and share the things I choose to share.
Age:
Of course I realize that having an early January birthday adds to my innate desire to reflect at this time of year. When said birthday arrived this year I woke up to find myself having completed 53 years of living on Earth. Do y’all remember 53 year old men when you were kids? They were so old! They drove big, steel, boxy cars and wore little derby hats with big coats and said all sorts of things like “I haven’t seen my buddy Carl since WWII”.
Now I’m that guy. I’m so old.
My back hurts if I stand still for too long and my trips to the urinal are more frequent. As we all know, my eyes need help to see up close and far away. I think my hearing is fine, although I do admit to zoning out and actually not hearing things that people say directly to me. I’m also admittedly more grumpy and less tolerant of stupidity. And that music these kids listen to these days is just noise! Kinda joking about the last one but it’s not entirely untrue.
A few weeks ago I ran a 22 minute 5K and I can still outrun both of my kids. I have managed to stay out of doctor’s offices for the last year and I’m generally very healthy and fit. I’m also still running at least a 5K every day. I guess I have no real complaints here.
Motivation:
Last year I created a ridiculous amount of new artwork. Since that weird 2020 year, I’ve found myself more motivated to make art as often as possible. This has led directly to more exhibit opportunities, which in turn, creates the need for more art. Last year I double booked solo exhibits, so I had the motivation of having new work for a show, but times two. I ended up making 21 drawings and 14 sculptures, which comes very close to completing one each week. This is in addition to the weekly butt drawings and several gifts and those other full time jobs I have, so not bad.
During winter break, I did a lot of resting. I didn’t create any new works of art. I enjoyed the family and the dogs and the time off. I do not feel I have to set a goal for artwork nor do I feel I need to try to top what I did last year. I will tell you that I did enter several more things and apply for more solo exhibits and I can feel the new work welling up inside of me. My personality is to be driven and consistent. I expect to be very busy again really soon. (Update: In the short time it took to type this up, I realized I have another exhibit overlap and I need to make a new outdoor sculpture. I may be busy sooner than expected.)
Irritations:
If you read that post from 12 months ago, it was basically me saying “what’s up with that?” about a lot of things going on around me at the time. Sadly, the world hasn’t become less irritating or dumb in the last 12 months. Y’all elected that guy by a big margin. I’d like to think you were thinking with your bank account instead of your racist/misogynistic/xenophobic tendencies and I can’t wait for you to see the tax increases he has planned for the middle class and listen as you continue to complain about the price of eggs and gas for the next four years. Not that it will matter, because no one will ever convince you that you were wrong. And the other party winning wouldn’t change a thing. That’s irritating. We’re locked into an ineffective two party system and the only people who can change it never will because they’re in the two parties and living large on our collective ignorance.
You know what else is irritating? I was in Venice a few months ago and now I’m not. That’s irritating.
Time:
Nothing like turning a year older and seeing a wrinkled old face in the mirror to get you thinking about time. You know what I hate? People wasting my time. I can waste my time, but if you waste it, there will be wrath. Sounds unfair, I know, but that’s how it is. See, I have a plan working in my head all the time. You know the movies where they superimpose the numbers and graphs over the screen to show someone is working out formulas? That’s seriously going on in my head nonstop but it’s scheduling and time management. If I leave school at this time, I’ll have this many minutes/hours to draw before I have to do the next thing. If I watch this show with my kids, it will end at 9:45 and I’ll have an hour to work before I go to bed. If I have to deliver the new artwork on Friday, I need to epoxy the hangers on Wednesday so I can wire them on Thursday. That means I have to finish the drawing on Tuesday. But I’ll get home late this Tuesday, so I have to finish the last drawing on Monday at the latest. It’s all connected by a delicate string of hope and duct tape. And really, I know it seems like a good idea for us to all meet together in one room face to face to talk about all the options and ideas everyone has about all the things, but you have no idea how important that Monday just became to my whole delivery schedule. It’s really best if I don’t go to that meeting after all. Maybe it could be an email?
Let’s be honest, it can always be an email.
Joy:
I’m happy at 53. All you slow driving people voting for the wrong politicians don’t really touch my happiness at this time in my life. I feel purpose in what I do for a living and in what I do for fun. Most days, I feel that I am doing things that make the world a better place. This year I got a great new crop of students in Sculpture 1 and the future is bright for them. Even though I’m mean and horrible and often compared to Satan, I still get students who choose to be in my classes and even hang out in some school-related ways outside of class. That feels pretty good. I got into some shows and won some things and sorta got externally validated a few times and that feels pretty good as well.
Looking Forward:
At this point in my life, I’ve forgiven you and I hope you’ve forgiven me. Sure, I believe some strange things and you may think I’m an idiot, but I promise I’ve really considered and tried to understand most of the conundrums I’ve bumped into. I believe the universe is bigger than human comprehension. I am skeptical of anyone who claims to “know the truth”, “have all the answers” or “understand God”. And if that’s you, I still love you, I just think you’re being an idiot too. It’s cool though, I know you’re not doing it on purpose. All we can do is our best. We should just really try to do our best.
I genuinely believe that loving people and being kind is the solution for most of the problems we face individually and collectively. I certainly still have my moments of muttering under my breath and gesturing a certain finger at people who temporarily offend, but I think I’m getting better.
And that’s the state of the McAbee. Hopefully we’ll meet back here next year.
