you know it's hard out here for an artist

The year is winding down and I have received what is probably the final art notification of the year.  I guess that means we have to try to make sense of this again.

Here’s this year’s stats:

12 rejections

10 acceptances

4 invitations to exhibit

3 awards

3 solo exhibits

14 new sculptures created

21 new drawings created

52 new butt drawings for fun

The reason I began keeping up with these numbers a couple of years ago was so that I could have a record of what actually happened to compare with what I “felt” happened.  Because, you know, feelings are kind of lies.  

Let’s start with the big ones, the rejections and acceptances.  We learned last year that I can’t really do percentages on my own but 12 rejections and 10 acceptances is pretty good.  One of my former students quickly pointed out that this was better than the 90% rejection rate I tell my students to expect.  This is true, but I’m also not just starting my career as all of them are.  Their valid point was, these numbers are pretty good.  I’m very happy with getting into 10 juried exhibits in 12 months.  For my academic friends, many of these were Level 1 accomplishments for university service.

If we look at the other numbers and we do a quick comparison with my peers who are working at similar jobs and have similar goals, the numbers are pretty high.  I’m comfortable looking at that list and concluding that I had a very good year as an artist.  

But let me tell you about a Tuesday in the spring.  I had two solo shows approaching and I was making art like a machine while teaching a very busy spring semester.  I had begun posting new work on Instagram on Tuesdays and this particular Tuesday I didn’t quite have a new work finished.  I woke up filled with feelings of inadequacy.  I wondered if I was working hard enough.  Was I doing enough?  I felt slack.  I felt like my artist friends were killing it and I was not.  

Then there was the night of the reception for my second solo show.  Maybe 8 people showed up.  I felt like a failure.  I felt like a loser.  I felt like my work was stupid, I had wasted my time and now I had to drive 3 hours home.  What was the point?  

And what about last week when I received another rejection from that show I enter every year and can’t seem to get into?  I felt like my work wasn’t any good and that I wasn’t doing enough.  

Oh, and what about this week when I read one negative student comment about my teaching and immediately forgot all about being awarded some kind of teacher of the year award.  Feelings, right?  They'll get us focused on the few negatives and cause us to ignore all the positives.  

The facts said one thing and the feelings said another.  Living in the confines of a human brain can be such an irritating thing.  I can open my sketchbook and see the facts.  I can think back and remember the new friends art has brought into my life this year.  I can recall specific kind words viewers have spoken to me.  I can remember selling works to people who decided to wake up every day and see my art.  And still, my brain said that I was a loser.  

Art isn’t for wimps, y’all.  If you want an easy life filled with confidence and constant reassurance, please look elsewhere.  I’ve had a stellar year by almost any standard and still I’ve had many moments of crippling doubt and insecurity throughout the year.  Keeping up with this list provides me immediate access to clarity and factual data any time I need it.  Sharing it publicly provides my peers and art friends input from a brother in arms and provides a glimpse into the very real part of being an artist that few people discuss.  

If you’re a younger artist, maybe a current or former student or a creative of any kind, here’s a truth for you to chew on:  The self-doubt doesn’t go away when you accomplish some goal.  The imposter syndrome doesn’t fade at a certain age.  In fact, I think we need to change our perspective on these topics.  Self-doubt is a normal part of being a human.  Imposter syndrome is not an abnormality or a problem to be solved, but rather, it is a very real and helpful feeling we decided to name.  If you can reframe these things and stop seeing them as problems, you can free yourself from any negative feelings surrounding those feelings.  You have self-doubt?  Cool, that means you’re putting yourself out there as a creative.  Feeling like an imposter?  Awesome, that means you’re in a position to take some risks and be who you really are.  Congratulations on both.  

If you're not currently keeping a computer file or an old fashioned list in your sketchbook or journal of positive things that happen to you, maybe give that a try in this new year.  Someone give you a compliment?  Write it down.  Get into a show?  Write it down.  Someone tell you that you inspired them or made them smile?  Write it down.  Then when you wake up in a cold sweat thinking you've been wasting your life, you'll have the factual information you need to fight those lying feelings off.