I don’t believe in “imposter syndrome”. I’ll apologize for my generation because I think it may have been Gen X-ers who decided we needed to put a label on every feeling we ever had. Let’s say you start a new job and you probably worded the application materials to make yourself sound like you were the best fit for the job. That’s fair. But now you’re getting dressed on the morning of your first day and you’re having some major anxiety. What if they find out I’m not as confident as they thought? Am I really qualified for this job? In whatever realm you’ve experienced the feelings, you know what I’m saying.
My argument is that this is not an example of you (and me) presenting a false idea of who we are and what skills we have. Instead, this is an example of a crisis of confidence. You see, you actually were the best person for the job or they wouldn’t have hired you. You didn’t lose your skills and abilities overnight while you slept. You really are the person your application materials indicated that you were. The only thing that changed was how you felt at the moment. You replaced reality with fear.
Confidence is like that. We can be riding high one minute and someone can look at us a certain mysterious way or say something we don’t quite understand and suddenly we feel naked and terrified, completely exposed.
I believe that artists and creative types are especially susceptible to this terrible feeling.
I have a good friend who is the kind of pianist that most people just dream of becoming. She’s amazing. She can sit down and squeeze the most beautiful sounds out of a piano. She doesn’t just play the notes, she plays the music in a way that expresses the emotion of the piece. It’s a truly wonderful thing to witness. Recently my friend hit a speed bump and had a sudden crisis of confidence. She didn’t become any less exceptional in that moment, she just felt different.
And then there’s my little nonsense. I have a great job and a lot of opportunities. The last few years I’ve been very prolific in art-making and I’ve had the good fortune of getting work into a lot of shows. I actually even delivered and installed a solo show of my work this week. And yet…at some point yesterday, I realized I didn’t win this one thing or get into this particular show. My brain went into a panic and alerted me that I needed to apply to a bunch of shows and get my work back out there. I literally had the thought that “I haven’t been in any shows recently”. My heart rate went up. My mind started racing, trying to think of what opportunities I could jump on immediately.
After a few minutes of this panic, I looked around my studio and saw bare spots on the walls. I noticed my stack of new drawings was really thin. More panic. Now I need to be in more shows and I don’t have any work to enter. Sweat started to bead up on my forehead.
It took a lot longer than it should have taken for me to realize that the reason I didn’t have a lot of art to enter is because so much of it is currently on exhibit. I had a moment of “Ohhhhhhh. That’s where my work is”.
Realizing I had just participated in a very unhealthy thing that I constantly advise my students against, I decided to take a moment and take stock of the situation rationally. Here’s what I realized:
At this moment, I have 1 public sculpture on exhibit for a year in North Charleston, SC. I have 1 public sculpture on exhibit for a year in Cashiers, NC. I have 3 small sculptures in a juried exhibit in Indiana. I have 1 small sculpture in a juried exhibit in Key West, FL. I have a solo exhibit of about 16 drawings in Spartanburg, SC. I have about 15 drawings and sculptures in a commercial gallery in Saluda, NC. I have 2 sculptures in an exhibit in Greenwood, SC. And honestly, I may have something somewhere else and have completely forgotten about it.
In the academic world, that list would get me tenure and or promotion over a 6 year review period. I know some artists who don’t have that many exhibits in an entire career and this is just a snapshot of one particular day for me. It’s absolutely ridiculous that someone with that list of exhibits would lack confidence, and yet, there we were, heart racing, sweat on the brow, telling myself I wasn’t good enough.
I don’t have the cure for a crisis of confidence. I would tell you that when you feel it coming, you should stomp the brakes and do a little rational thinking. The truth is, most of us don’t know we’re experiencing it until after the fact and even if we do realize it, rational thought is not likely to be found anywhere near us.
A couple of days ago, I watched my grad student freak out because she put her recent work out for a guest artist to critique. The work is very, very strong and yet, she was immersed in a crisis of confidence as she prepared to receive the artist’s feedback. When he told her he was impressed by her work, the change in her was visible. The confidence returned to her face.
I wonder if one of the best things we can do to fight a crisis of confidence is to hype the people in our lives. When our musical friend is killing it, we should tell them they’re killing it. We should tell our artist friends when we love their work. Don’t just like the post, actively tell them you love it and why you love it. Take the time to point out what they’re doing great. Remind your creative friends that their writing, their musical performance, their great ideas cause you to consider true beauty and make you smile. Don’t just assume that they know how much joy they bring into the world with their work. Remember that just like you, they need to be reminded of what is true. Perhaps often.
Doing this will have an impact on you. During your dark night of the soul, eventually you’ll begin to realize that you are also doing some of the things you’ve been praising your friends for doing. You’ll remember the kind thing you said to them and you’ll realize that is also true of your work. You’ll also build a posse of creative friends who know what it’s like to lose confidence. They’ll begin to hype you and when you are down, they’ll be there to pick you up. In this way, you’ll receive the same energy you put out into the world.
You are so much better than you give yourself credit for being. Humility is awesome but honesty is crucial. Look for the good in others and make sure they know you see it. Look for the good in you and make sure you know you see it.
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