coffee with an introvert

One of the goofy things I do in life is “Coffee With McAbee”.  It’s my little version of a talk show/podcast that happens in real life, rather than in any sort of recorded fashion.  In these “episodes” I get to have coffee with someone and have a fun and interesting conversation.  There are a lot of reasons why I do this.  Without going on too long about it, I, a self-proclaimed hermit, admit that community and connection are important and this is my effort to meet in real life with people to have the kind of conversations humans used to have before the internet ruined our communication skills and gave everyone “social anxiety”.  Sometimes I pick guests on my own and sometimes I solicit requests from the general population (on IG).  I try to book a time and we have a conversation with no real plan or preconceived notions.  We also have coffee, but the coffee is just a prop, really.  An excuse to sit and talk.

I did a horrible job of scheduling these during the fall and when the spring semester began, I set a goal of doing it more regularly.  I solicited nominations for guests and I had an episode scheduled within a couple of days.  Three weeks passed and I had a new guest every week.  I loved doing each one and went away from each episode feeling better than I did going in.  That’s apparently what community and connection will do for a person.  Weird.  

Often, especially during the semesters, my guests are students.  We’re in the same zip code and there’s a coffee shop on campus.  Easy-peasy.  I have a theory that none of us ever really know how other people see us and this is especially true with students.  I know who I am.  But do my students know who I am?  Probably not.  Definitely not.  Part of my teaching persona is being loud and fun and trying to make sure everyone is having the best time possible while doing some really hard manual labor.  Students think I’m outgoing.  They think talking to people is easy for me.  I’m not and it’s not.

During the first episode of the semester, I was talking to Caroline and when the subject of inviting guests came up, I indicated that it was difficult for me to choose a guest and even more difficult to invite a guest.  Her face looked surprised.  She thought I was joking and had no idea why I would say something like that in a serious way.  I explained that I was shy and that I have all the insecurities that everyone else has.  I am honestly genuinely shocked that anyone wants to have coffee with me.  I didn’t have coffee with any of my professors while I was a student.  I’m not sure I wanted to.  How awkward would that have been?  

I’m still not sure Caroline believed me and even if she did, she probably didn’t fully get the level of introversion I was attempting to describe.  

As I said, it was three weeks and three perfectly wonderful coffee episodes with wonderful people who filled me with positive energy and left me better than they found me.  It was great.  But then there was week four.

Sometimes a former student or friend comes in from out of town and makes it very easy for me.  When they tell me they’re coming, I can assume they wouldn’t mind seeing me and it’s so easy for me to suggest getting coffee.  That happened on Monday and I was glad because I was having some hesitation about trying to schedule someone for this week.  Sadly, the travel plans fell through last minute and I was left with no guest for Tuesday.  Remember when I asked for nominations?  I have this long list of names of people who were nominated by other people.  It’s on my phone, so it’s literally with me at all times.  But that means texting or emailing someone and asking them if they want to have coffee.  It also means figuring out when I’ll be where so that I can suggest potential times.  I’m constantly moving so that’s tough on its own.  Still, these are good names.  People I know I will enjoy talking with.  

I didn’t message any of them.  I just didn’t.  But why?

Because as much as I know community and connection are good for me, 99% of me just wants to make art at home and never leave the property.  I don’t understand it.  I guess, if I’m honest, it’s just really hard to put myself out there and ask someone if they want to have coffee.  They could say no and that would suck.  But what would be worse is if they felt like they had to say yes but they really didn’t want to do it.  Because that’s the scenario that plays in my head.  And once that record is on repeat, it’s all I can think about.  Then the conversation is flavored with that bitter taste.  I have to second guess their facial expressions and their words.  Did that micro facial movement mean that they wanted to leave?  

Of course that’s ridiculous and something inside me sorta knows that it is.  But that won’t stop the brain from rolling on down that road.  

If I didn’t want to be that honest, I’d probably say that it was a busy week and I had a lot of other social commitments.  I did have a different visit from a former student and we got to have a nice long conversation over chips and dip on Wednesday.  Then I had to go to an art reception Thursday for another former student and there I engaged with a few other former students and a colleague.  That’s enough for an introvert in one week, right?  

Either way, it feels like I weaseled out of Coffee With McAbee this week because I didn’t want to do it and the hilarity is that’s the very thing I’m afraid someone else will want to do when I invite them.  

Maybe I’ll be back with some regularly scheduled programming next week?  Stay tuned.

the one where I make a whole religion mad

The modern Christian church has given Christianity a bad name.

Last Sunday I steered the family car into the church parking lot and parked in the last available “pull through” spot.  Trust me, you don’t want to be reversing in a church parking lot.  As we pulled into the vacant spot, all eyes moved to the big, red, raised 4x4, mud covered pick-up truck beside us.  This was what we all saw…

For clarity, that’s the church steeple rising above the sticker reading “F*CK JB”.

What would Jesus do, indeed.  

This was the experience that moved me to type but I want to be clear that I’m not judging the owner of the truck.  Some easy detective work would reveal this was the truck of a high school kid.  If they understood the irony of mixing Jesus and politics or just how far removed a sticker like this should be from a religion centered on love, they would probably remove it.  And if they simply didn’t know any better, I’m glad they were there and I hope they learn a lot about love.  So while this was the moment that inspired me to gather my thoughts, this is definitely not about that kid.

In fact, it’s much more about the steeple in the background.  I live in the Bible Belt and when I learned about that title in elementary school, they taught us that in the Bible Belt “there’s a church on every corner”.  Sometimes that’s literally true and when you are in a southern town, you can often see a couple of other churches from one church parking lot.  

I grew up here in the South and I regularly went to a Southern Baptist church where I was taught that God is love.  Oddly, I was also taught, from the pulpit, that I should vote Republican and that supporting certain issues was more important that loving others.  While I can’t see any version of my high school self putting a sticker like that on my car, I was definitely taught that some presidents were bad and some were good simply based on what they said about abortion or about gay people having rights.  Or worse, based on who was labeled a "conservative" or a "liberal".

Like most kids, I listened to what I was told and accepted it as truth.  Until I didn’t.

I do not like to be told what to do.  My dad was probably like that or you may have other theories about why I am the way I am, but regardless, it’s a fact about me.  If you tell me that I must do something, you’re going to need to provide reasoning for that command.  I need to know why it’s dangerous to not listen to you.  I need to know why it’s right to obey you.  “Because I said so” has never worked on me.  When I graduated college, I really began to sort things out for myself.  I guess the early 20s are a good time for most people to do this.  I’m also a very practical person and I just couldn’t see myself living by a set of rules just because someone said so.  I needed to know what I believed, not what someone else believed.  

At this point in my life, I asked some questions.  Some were very specific and some were more general.  I had been told the Bible was the source of all wisdom and that was the first place I looked.  When someone is using the Bible as a starting point for a sermon, it’s pretty easy to use it to make any point you want.  Want to teach someone that lying is wrong?  Easy, just read the Ten Commandments in Exodus 20 or Deuteronomy 5.  “Thou shalt not bear false witness”.  Want to teach someone that lying is sometimes ok?  Easy, just read the story of Rahab lying to save the Israelites in Joshua 2.*  (Seriously, the list goes on...scriptures talk about having slaves and setting slaves free, executing genocide and loving your neighbor, patriarchy and elevating women as leaders, vengance and grace, and on and on and on.)

I started to learn that the Bible was not the “instruction manual for life” as I had been taught.  What the Bible is instead, is a compilation of stories that tell us how we should live.  The difference between these two statements is greater than you can imagine.  

I started to see that many of the Baptist preachers and church leaders I had grown up seeing as wise, were simply lacking the proper understanding of the book they used every week.  They saw it as an encyclopedia and they could tell you all the do’s and don’ts contained inside.  What they lacked was the ability to “interpret” the Biblical stories, something that Jewish Rabbis had been doing beginning with Moses.  I mean, if everything was so cut and dry, why would Moses need to sit so long every day to decide meaningless arguments between grumpy Israelites?  And if you’re worth your seminary degree, you’d know that interpretation was exactly what Jesus was bringing to the religion game when he was walking around and pissing off the religious hierarchy in Jerusalem.  

Listen, if you’re not into the Bible and you’re not getting these references, just stick around a bit longer.  I promise this is going somewhere.

Cutting to the chase, a proper context of scripture was often lost in sermons and in verse quoting.  Just think about all the people you know who have Jeremiah 29:11 tattooed on their arm or framed in their house.  (“For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”)  This quote from God in the Bible was absolutely not written to your friend, your grandmother or anyone else living here in America.  It was a very specific message to a very specific group of people undergoing a very specific punishment but it’s too much to go into here.  Don’t take my word for it, look it up and read the whole story.  (Or, i recommend the podcast "That Won't Preach", specifically the "Does God Plan for us to Suffer" released Jan 1, 2024.)

So imagine several volumes of sermons, many of which were built around a simple misunderstanding of the Bible, but still used to push an agenda or to urge church-goers to adopt a specific belief or behavior.  I know it sounds nefarious but I don’t believe it was.  Honestly.  I think these dudes were well intentioned.  

But it was still wrong.  

What happened, and this is where you can tune back in if you were drifting before, is that generations of people in Christian churches grew up believing things that were just not true.  The message of grace, mercy and love that resounds through every single act of violence, aggression and sin narrated by the Bible was lost in the telling.  Even when the story of Jesus was told to highlight and emphasize what so many were beginning to miss, modern churches turned that into political agendas, lists of who was eligible to do the work of God and lists of who was NOT going to heaven.  Church became a place where you were told who was in and who was out.  

Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that organized religion is evil and self-serving.  I will tell you this, though…overhearing someone saying that it costs $7 million for a few seconds of Super Bowl advertising, I couldn’t help but wonder how many hungry people could be fed if all of that money was diverted into one fund for soup kitchens.  Then, I immediately thought of the multimillion dollar mega-church buildings being built all over the country and couldn’t help but wonder if it was justifiable to spend $10 million on a building for people to meet and say they love others while hundreds or thousands of people suffer from hunger and homelessness within a 10 mile radius of that building.  Right, buildings are more important than people.  That’s Christian.

This brings me to the “America First” attitude you’ll find in the modern church, and in the parking space beside me.  All those Biblical promises, they weren’t for America.  Much to the dismay of a lot of politicians and pastors, America isn’t mentioned in the Bible.  Americans are not God’s chosen people and the very idea that America should secure its borders and keep the less fortunate out is quite contrary to the teachings of the Bible (Matthew 25:40).  Jesus did not run for office, nor did he attempt to take control of the government.  It’s worth noting that it was the religious leaders and the local government who led the push to condemn and execute Jesus.  Maybe read that line again slowly. 

These generations of misinformed and poorly educated church goers have had quite an impact on their world and not in the way the early church would have hoped.  Christianity has not been the “good news” that people in the Mediterranean coastal areas experienced in the early 100s AD.  Modern Christianity has been more closely associated with judgment, condemnation, repression and telling people they are going to hell.  Who wouldn’t want to be a part of that?  Well, a lot of people as it turns out.  

The number of Americans identifying as Christian has fallen increasingly over the last few decades.  Christian churches will tell you they are growing and this looks to be true when a single church in one area increases membership and attendance, but the untold story is that those new people are not new converts to Christianity, they’re simply church goers who were tired of their old church.  When there’s one on every corner, it’s easy to find another one and they will find another one again when they get bored with the pastor or the activities.

In my job, I interact with students when they leave high school and begin to make their own choices.  I see them leaving the faith systems of their childhood and looking for something they believe is actually true.  They have zero interest in the oppressive and judgmental culture of the modern church.  What they do have interest in is going where they feel loved and oddly, that’s often not anywhere near the local church.  Weird, huh?  

I know there are church people who would disagree.  Their church is different.  They love people.  They’re generous.  But let their actions speak.  You don’t know someone loves you because they say it.  You know they love you because of how they treat you ("you will know them by their fruit").  If you feel at all defensive about what I’m saying, I ask that you take a good, honest look around.  More importantly, I ask that you take a good, honest look at the Jesus of the Bible and New Testament church.  Do your actions match the one you say you follow?  Does your church look like the churches where all possessions were pooled together for the good of the local community and everyone took what they needed?  Or does that idea scare the heck out of you because it sounds like a Bernie Sanders speech?  

Since we got here because of a political statement, let’s leave on one.  I hear there’s an election this year.  Do you plan to vote your religious beliefs?  That’s cool.  What exactly did Jesus say about the stranger, the alien, the widow and the orphan?  What did he teach about who was your neighbor and how you should treat them?  Jesus vaporized racism and classism with the story of the Good Samaritan.  He put greed in its place with the story of the widow’s mite and the parable of the good steward.  He put religion in its place when he called the religious leaders a “brood of vipers”.  And not once, not even once, did he teach that you should create laws to force people to do what you believe is right.  Faith can’t be legislated.  Freedom to choose to do right or wrong has been a part of the God story literally since "the beginning”.

As I see it, the modern Christian Church is at a crossroads.  They can turn from the pursuit of financial gain (ridiculous pastoral salary packages, the latest building fund, donations to political agendas) and they can return to the idea that grace is for everyone and that the greatest commandment is to love God and to love your neighbor.  The other option is to continue to build social clubs and dream about taking over a political party.  The world will be waiting on your decision.

getting a few things off my chest

Several years ago, a person gave me a few guidelines for how to post on Instagram.  I adamantly rejected them and openly scoffed at the idea that anyone would tell me how to run my Instagram account.  I do what I want.

Having said that, there are IG trends that I don’t like.  I’m not telling you how to run your account, I’m just saying I don’t like it.  This whole thing of not posting anything for weeks and then doing a multi-slide “dump” is annoying.  Why deny us the regular update if you’re going to give us all the photos anyway?  I don’t want to binge your month in 5 seconds.  Let me enjoy your photos when they’re actually relevant.  

Comedy should be funny.  That shouldn’t be a hot take.  Imagine going to a concert and the singer comes out and decides they’re just going to tell stories and not sing this time.  Ridiculous right?  I watch a lot of stand-up comedy and I carefully avoided the ones a few years ago who used their comedy special to overshare and focus on heavier topics while forgetting their one job was to make people laugh.  Last week I put on two Netfilx comedy specials and turned them off within 5 minutes.  I’m ready for comedy to be funny again.

Why are there Instagram reels and Tiktok videos of people watching other Instagram reels and Tiktok videos?  You raising your eyebrows at a funny video is supposed to entertain me?  What’s wrong with people?  

Here’s a few things about Jesus that I think every Christian should know: 

1. Jesus was Jewish

2. Jesus wasn’t American

3. Jesus wasn’t a politician

If you’re the type of person who thinks that you should be voting your personal religious beliefs in elections, then I think you should have to pass a test about those religious beliefs.  A large group of Christians who are apparently unable to think for themselves are being taken advantage of by scheming politicians.  Sure, there’s a large group of political people running for office and trying to influence us while saying they’re Christian and that they are promoting Christian and Biblical values.  The trouble is, there’s literally zero evidence to support what they say they represent.  You don’t even have to look hard into their personal lives to see splintered families, vulgar behavior, coarse language and a general lack of loving-kindness.  Please stop blindly following every politician who says they love God.  Also, please stop giving the rest of us a bad name.  Y’all, I hate to break this to you, but America isn’t even in the Bible.  No, that thing in the book of Revelation isn't about you.  Context is important.

If you think we’re just dealing with inflation and not corporate greed, please don’t talk to me or my dogs ever again.  

The weather is ridiculous.  We haven’t had measurable snow here in several years and I’ve had my air conditioning on for three days and it’s still January.  We probably broke the Earth.  I'll admit that I may have burned some things I shouldn't have when I was a kid, but I'm blaming y'all for the rest of it.  

Saturday night, I bought my first pair of old-people glasses so I can see what I’m drawing.  This means that I need contacts to see past my elbow, but anything closer than my elbow also requires old-people glasses to be in focus.  Presumably there’s some distance where everything would be in focus without any corrective lenses but I have yet to find it.  Carrots are a lie.

Hey 20 year old kid giving advice on social media…how about don’t.  You’re telling me the best way to keep my house clear of clutter and the best way I can fuel my long run?  Dude.  I’ve got underwear with more life experience than you.  Shut it.  Go live a little and get back to me.  You wanna know why you can keep your apartment clutter free?  Because you don’t have kids, three dogs, four jobs, a leaky basement and a crazy schedule.  Your "life hacks" are stupid, you just don't have the experience to realize it yet.  You want to provide a real service?  Go fetch my old-people glasses so I can tell Instagram not to show me your nonsense anymore.  

There.  I feel better getting all that out.  

trying to remember the year

It hardly seems like it's been 12 months since the last time I tried to remember the last 12 months, yet here we are, taking a look back before we start looking forward.  2023 was a really good year on a lot of different fronts.  Since this is my blog, I get to be the main character here, so what follows is a brief, very self-centered look at what I can remember about my year.  If you're interested, here we go.  None of this is in any particular order, which seems to match the jumbled up memories I have of the year.

I looked up this year and Blue was an adult.  He was driving, he had a job, he had a life outside of the house and he went to prom.  He will graduate high school in May.  Dang.

I got to see Tom and Kathe Stanley a few times this year.  Tom had an exhibit at Lander last January and I got to spend a little time with them when he delivered work, did an artist talk and when he picked up work.  I even got to have a coffee with them.  Even cooler than that, they surprised me in August by showing up to a reception in Chapel Hill and hanging out with me so I wouldn't be completely awkward and alone.  Very cool.

Violet and I got to meet our Instagram friend Kasha Speas in real life!  Kasha has a 7+ year runstreak going, and back in February? she ran the Greenville Half Marathon.  Violet and I drove up to cheer her on.  Nice photo by her husband, Adam.

Violet and I also got to go see Beetlejuice at the Peace Center.  Very entertaining and a fun day.

I don't get to go to many track and field meets because of my class schedule but I did get to go to a couple last year and see Blue throw heavy things and see Violet sprint.  It's super cool to see how much they've both improved in such a short time.

Violet was in the school production of The Wizard of Oz and she did great.

We took an alternate vacation at the end of July and turned it into an adventure.  These two are always up for my ridiculous suggestions of things to do.  This was a quiet evening when we had no plans.  We just walked out the door and started exploring the island while chasing the sunset.  It doesn't need to be a big event to be memorable.

This was probably the same trip.  We had some fun walking around Charleston in search of food and coffee.

I wrote about the significance of running with Blue and Violet as a summer highlight because it was a very cool thing.  When the Cross Country season started officially in August, they both did so great.  This was Blue's final season of Cross Country and I'm so proud of him for running.  I may not get him to run with me again, but it was cool sharing a season of running with them both.  It was also noteworthy that Violet worked really hard all season to improve her time and her hard work paid off when she qualified to run State.  Very proud of them both.

Violet and I got to go to Creighton Barrett's solo show in Charleston back in January.  It was great to talk to him for a while and then we got to have dinner with Jana and Dan.

We didn't get to go to a lot of concerts this year, but the ones we did go to were really good ones.  We scored tickets to Highwater from Anne and Kevin, so Violet and I spent a couple of days in Charleston hanging out and listening to music we may not have otherwise saw live.  We accidentally saw one of the guys from Needtobreathe and also accidentally saw Big Boi without realizing who he was.  We saw Bleachers on purpose and got the surprise of them bringing out Lana Del Rey.  The Wilco set was perfect and Shovels and Rope never disappoint.  We also accidentally saw Kevin, Ali (pictured) Smoak and a few other friends.  I wasn't a fan of the $11 waters, but we'll focus on the positives.

Nothing could be more positive than Mrs. Emmette beating cancer this year.  Everyone's favorite Starbucks barrista got a bad test result last winter and spent the year doing chemotherapy and radiation.  We were thrilled to get the news this fall that she was cancer free and finished with all her treatments.  She is such a bright light and we are grateful. Thanks to everyone who contributed to her gift.

Concert 2 of 2 this year:  Taylor Freaking Swift.  I'm sure I blogged about it so you can read it there.  It was, of course, as awesome as everyone said it was, but the part that made it even more awesome for me is that the tickets were given to me by a student.  What an act of kindness.  So grateful for that!

I got to spend time with people in surprising ways this year.  As a hermit, this is hard to process, but I admit it was cool.  I got the opportunity to do a sand sculpture workshop with Fort Dorchester High and some of my students who had traveled on Sand Sculpture trips in the past, decided to plan to go with me.  The plans turned into a wonderful opportunity to stay with Chick Inn on Main in Summerville where Hannah got to hold that chicken.  

The next day I got to lead the workshop on Kiawah Island with this cool group of people.  

One of our goofy adventures on our real vacation was tracking down the tunnel underneath Ocean Boulevard.  Thanks to Blue and Violet using the internet and TikTok, we jumped out of the car, walked under and then got picked back up by G when we emerged.

And another goofy adventure was staying up until midnight to have our own listening party for one of the TSwift albums that dropped this year.  Here we are showing off my Father's Day haul of gifts and torturing the dogs.

Another cool thing that was gifted to me was this opportunity to show work at a special event at the Greenville County Museum of Art.  This was one of the cool opportunities that came to me this year by the Universe just smiling on me.  

This was one of many great art things that happened to me this year.  I got into 12 shows I applied for, including getting public sculptures into the North Charleston Outdoor Sculpture Exhibit and the new Uproar! exhibit in Chapel Hill.  I made a few new sculptures despite some really irritating welder problems and I made over 30 new drawings.  So grateful for these kinds of things.

My girl-gang.  This hardcore group of friends was forged during Brinana and Katherine's senior year of the BFA and Emily's first year of the MFA.  They were my 3D people during that year and our classes and studio times overlapped.  Because of that, our times for goofing off also overlapped.  We've tried to keep the group together as Emily graduated and the other two started pursuing their own graduate degrees.  They were all kind enough to come to my community lecture in the fall and we took the opportunity to get dinner afterwards.  They're so cool and I'm lucky to be in their group.

Another year of knowing Jana and Dan makes me very happy.  I'm so fortunate to know them and call them friends.  I got to see them a few times this year in person and we also had some laughs by text.  They're so great and these two groups of friends are just a sampling of so many wonderful people I got to spend time with this year.  I have too many photos to feature everyone here but I'll mention a few that come to mind.  I saw Jocelyn a few times, both on purpose and by accident.  I went out of my way to see Kennedy in Charleston and she came to Summerville to hang out with a bunch of us.  Just on that one trip to Summerville, I spent time with Hannah, Ashley, Katherine, Abigail, Victor, Jana, Dan, and Tien.  Or maybe that was two trips?  Who knows.  I got to have lunch with Cessquatch, coffee with Katertot, and got to have dinner with the whole Superfriends gang.  There's also a crazy-awesome group of students that I get to see on a weekly basis.  Most of them provide me with laughter and joy and they have no idea.  I wouldn't dare try to list them all but I do try to make sure they know I appreciate them from time to time.  If you're a student and you're reading this, I'm talking about you.  It really pains me to say this, but I really love being around people sometimes.  

This was the year we discovered Pineapple Whip.  I think that's what it's called.  Whatever it is that we're all holding is amazing.  We found it on Folly Island and also in Charleston and it's almost worth the 2.5 hour drive just for that.  No, the stuff you can buy in the freezer section at home is not the same at all.  Just know that if you go get some while in Charleston without the whole family, the absent ones will be pissed.  I haven't made that mistake yet, but I'm sure it will happen.

I got to be the guest artist at the Blackwater Boogie again this year.  Dan invited me back after last year and I felt a little more prepared this time.  I had to go on my own for the first day because Violet had to run the State Cross Country meet in Columbia, but she joined me for the second day.  Knowing what I was getting into this time made it a little less panicky and it was so cool being able to share my process with the crowd of people behind me.  All four drawings were auctioned off to raise money for Givhans Ferry State Park accessibility upgrades.

So that's what I can remember from scrolling through my photos for the year.  I've edited out some really cool and fun things and I've probably forgotten about a lot more.  If you were a part of my year, I appreciate you.

 

the numbers are in

As I type, there’s still a week left in 2023 but all of the art places are closed for the Holidays and the only outstanding entries I have left are scheduled to notify in January.  It looks like the working year is over so let’s have a closer look at the numbers.

25 rejections compared to 12 acceptances.  That’s at least the starting point but since you can use numbers and data to say anything you want, I’d like to look at the entire picture so that I’m not misleading in any way.

First, does this mean I applied to 37 shows/opportunities this year?  No.  The number is actually a little higher, but some notifications will not come until the new year so they will not be counted on the 2023 list.  But still, that’s a lot of applications.  And if you consider that 90% of them had an entry fee of $25-$45, that’s around $1,000 spent just on entering shows, so it’s a lot of applications and it’s a lot of money.  

Second, what kind of applications are we talking about here?  Many were applications to national level juried exhibits.  These charge $35-$45 and allow you to enter 2-3 works of art for consideration.  This generally involves uploading digital images of the artwork along with an artist statement, bio and a CV.  On the best sites, this will take 15 minutes, including paying by card.  On the worst sites, it may take an hour.  I appreciate galleries and museums who use CallForEntry.org or Slideroom.  Some applications were for solo exhibitions or for grants/fellowships.  These take a little more time as they have to be customized for each venue and for each unique set of requirements.  If you have your stuff together, you can do this in an hour

Third, does this mean I was in 12 shows this year?  No.  Some of the things I was accepted into will occur on the 2024 calendar year.  I think one was even for 2025.  

Fourth, am I sad?  Quite the opposite actually.  When I posted a new rejection throughout the year, many of my kind friends would send a sad face or express disgust with anyone who would reject me.  That was super nice of them but I wasn’t really sad.  At least not 5 minutes after the rejection.  Actually, that’s not totally true for all of them.  It did burn extra bad to get rejected from the Winthrop Alumni show.  I was not a scrub when I was there and I’ve been pretty successful since leaving, so I thought I had a good shot at getting in.  I totally did the comparison thing when I saw what was accepted and I judged things harshly, but I got over it.  It just took more than 5 minutes.  Either way, going 12 for 25 on the year is pretty amazing.  I had a lot to be grateful for in the art world.  

Fifth, should I explain that more?  Yes, I should.  Any artist applying for exhibits and opportunities should expect a lot of rejection.  It is part of the daily life of an artist.  I teach my students to expect a 90% rejection rate.  Apply for 10 shows and expect to get in 1.  Some artists I know don’t even get that.  This is just getting into a show, we’re not even talking about any awards.  I know many artists who have never won an award of any sort.  I think I got some sort of merit award this year, so 12 letters of acceptance and an award?  That’s great.  Well above the expectation.  If you apply to 10 shows and get accepted once, you should feel really good about yourself.  Anything above that 10% is a bonus.  

Sixth, what’s hidden by these numbers?  When I started the list at the beginning of the year, I thought it would be accurate to track just rejections and acceptances.  My assumption was that I would apply for all the things and just keep track of the notifications.  I did that and did it well.  The thing I didn’t really plan for was how to track things that just happened without me applying.  This isn’t a thing that happens regularly, but from time to time, someone will have an open exhibition date or be trying to fill a calendar and they’ll contact an artist to see if they’re interested in showing.  Since I didn’t know to track this, I didn’t write it down and at my age, the brain is pretty full so unless I know it’s important, we just discard those memories immediately.  A few months ago I could remember between 5 and 7 things like this happening through the year.  Some of these events occurred this year and some will happen in upcoming years.  At this point, there may have been 10 or so of these things that just happened to me without applying for anything.  So there’s a lot more success than what shows up on paper.  These are more reasons to not be sad.  

There’s also artwork sales to consider.  I’ve sold a decent amount of things this year which means that someone liked my work well enough to invest in it and to live with it on a daily basis.  I probably don’t even think about this enough, but if you consider that someone chooses to wake up and see your work in their home every day, that’s sort of a big deal.  

The other consideration is positive comments.  This is also something I probably don’t think about enough, but sometimes people say really nice, encouraging things.  This year, I was told I was “brilliant”, “amazing”, “extraordinary” and “crazy” and I think they meant crazy in a good way.  Several people told me in passing that they loved my work or that they were “fans”.  Sure, you could argue that some of these are just happy talk but remember, if you believe the bad, you have to believe the good too.  I definitely let the bad comments linger, so I need to let the good ones linger too.  All of these things make the rejections a tiny bit better.

Seventh, is it painful to be rejected 25 times?  Of course.  It always stings.  In the moment, I feel judged as a failure.  For that 5 minutes, I feel that my art is not good and that everyone hates me.  Luckily, the old man brain helps me forget things quickly so after 5 minutes, I’m usually good.  If you’re wondering if it gets any easier, I don’t think it does.  You get better at dealing with it, but a no is always a no.  

So there’s that.  If you’re an artist, you get it.  If not, I appreciate you reading this to understand better.  Many people think that artists just live this romantic life of doing what they want to do all day.  I don’t know a single artist who does that.  Most people outside of art never have to consider what it’s like to make something with all your heart and to immediately have that thing judged as good or bad, worthy or unworthy.  It’s tough out here for a thug.  Artin’ ain’t easy.

superfriends

The year was 2010.  I was working on finishing up my first semester of full time teaching while they were working on their first semester of college.  It wasn’t until January of 2011 that we met officially.  They entered the sculpture studio to take 3D Design and I met Brandy, the smiley one, Katie, the quiet one, Sean, the sarcastic one and Ashley, the even more sarcastic one*.  They were fast friends, all noting that each brought an important element to the circle of friends.  

The “trauma” of being a first year art major and suffering through my classes strengthened their bond as they began to realize I wasn’t actually the devil and we started enjoying extracurricular activities together.  The art events often ended up at Millhouse for dinner.  The Moonshine Run and Color Run 5Ks were done together and typically turned into a Cookout trip for greasy food and milkshakes to recover.  When Sean and Ashley took the racquetball class and hoped to defeat me, they started inviting me to play during the afternoons.  Sean and I took turns trying to hit each other with the ball and soon Brandy joined in.  Once she even grazed the side of my head with her racquet, drawing blood.  No remorse whatsoever.  Katie was happy to be safe on the other side of the window filming the whole thing.  

One of the Moonshine Runs (2013) featuring the artist formerly known as Singletary and Slagle

The trauma-bonding continued through many of our highest highs and lowest lows through graduation.  When I won a teaching award, they were the first ones to make fun of the low standards for that award.  When I crashed the wheelchair trying to win a 5K, it was Brandy who played “Everybody Hurts” on her car stereo on the way to get food, a brilliant move that opened the floodgates of jokes at my expense.  In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m just as quick to turn the verbal weapons on them.  It’s a dance that we do, everyone playing their part in the greater performance.  When at our best, the group is like a well-oiled machine and the jokes are funnier than anything you’ve ever heard in standup comedy.  At our worst, we’re still funnier than your friends.

The 2014 infamous Color Run featuring Colleen, before photo, of course.

I have no idea what's going on but....typical

After graduation, the four of them drove towards their hometowns and got adult jobs and adult responsibilities but every once in a while, they’d drive back to Greenwood to hang out.  Much more often, someone would start a group text thread out of the blue and you’d check your phone fifteen minutes later to find 50+ messages, each funnier than the one before it.

And then, just when you needed it most, there would be a thing planned.  Someone would suggest a hangout or we’d end up attending the same event.  The 5 of us would gravitate to the same area and the laughing would begin.  Familiar stories would be repeated, funny themes revisited, and the energy between us would glow.

I’ve been teaching long enough to know that every student isn’t really my friend.  Out of all the students I teach, only some will naturally gravitate towards my personality and my teaching style.  Of that group, only a fraction would ever want to have a conversation with me outside of class.  Of that even smaller group, I would only break my sacred hermitude for a select few.  Now we’re down to a fraction of people and many of those are only interested in me as long as I can be a benefit to them.  Many, especially in recent years, have attempted to use my friendship to be more comfortable in the department, to get a good reference, or to use my network in the art world.  The day after graduation, I’m no one to them.  I’ve learned to pay close attention to the ones who come around when I can offer them nothing but my company.  Those are the real ones.  

I am a pretty positive person by choice.  I actively look for the bright side and I have a pretty fair and honest perception of myself as a teacher.  I’m a good teacher.  I care about my students and their success.  With that in mind, it’s odd that I find myself at the end of every academic year more drained, more tired and more discouraged.  There’s a laundry list of reasons I could provide, but the point here is that even the most positive person can get down and it’s likely the ones you’d never suspect.  

Ashley, Brandy and I were standing in the waiting space at the restaurant when Sean and Katie walked in.  There were hugs and instantly we were in conversation.  It was almost as if someone fast forwarded several minutes.  By the time I noticed, I felt like I had to run to catch up.  As one person talked, the other 4 would pepper them with jokes, comments and questions.  Each person would adjust to the new verbal landscape and quickly offer new information.  It’s like 5 people playing a “choose your own adventure” game all at once.  Everyone gets aboard the conversation and hangs on for dear life.  

The laughter was immediate and almost constant.  You’ve had the time with a friend when your cheeks hurt afterwards, right?  That happened in the first five minutes.  Soon the abs hurt.  Then the laughing (for me) turned to coughing, (for Ashley) crying, (for Katie) inflamed asthma, (for Brandy) a little hooting and (for Sean) a little hollering.  I can’t even begin to imagine what the other people in the restaurant were thinking.  I had no idea they were even there, honestly.  Our waitress started out very talkative and wanting to be a part of our night and soon she faded way back into the background, trying not to even interrupt us as we gasped our way through the night.  

Pretty sure this one captures our true souls.

From a table away, it must have looked like five people yukking it up for the holidays.  The truth is, beneath that veneer of laughter and jokes, there was a real friendship conversation happening.  People caring about other people.  People helping other people.  People learning from other people.  People sharing with other people.  I left feeling like a part of something bigger.  I was energized.  I felt loved.  Is that what emotions feel like??

As I drove home, I thought about how grateful I am for this group of friends that I also happened to have taught back in the day.  I was reminded of the importance of my interactions with students and the lasting relationships that can grow from those interactions.  Each of us has a part to play in a much larger production and each of our parts is equally important.  Like the old cartoon Superfriends, all of our different powers are needed to defeat the bad guys in our lives.  I hope we can all be the Aquaman to someone else’s Hawkman.  The Zan to someone else’s Jayna (look it up).

I love these people.

*I’ve chosen to use real names out of the deepest respect.  Do not worry, the nicknames are still in daily usage and are used with absolute love.  Also, we missed you Anne!

confidence is slippery

I don’t believe in “imposter syndrome”.  I’ll apologize for my generation because I think it may have been Gen X-ers who decided we needed to put a label on every feeling we ever had.  Let’s say you start a new job and you probably worded the application materials to make yourself sound like you were the best fit for the job.  That’s fair.  But now you’re getting dressed on the morning of your first day and you’re having some major anxiety.  What if they find out I’m not as confident as they thought?  Am I really qualified for this job?  In whatever realm you’ve experienced the feelings, you know what I’m saying.  

My argument is that this is not an example of you (and me) presenting a false idea of who we are and what skills we have.  Instead, this is an example of a crisis of confidence.  You see, you actually were the best person for the job or they wouldn’t have hired you.  You didn’t lose your skills and abilities overnight while you slept.  You really are the person your application materials indicated that you were.  The only thing that changed was how you felt at the moment.  You replaced reality with fear.

Confidence is like that.  We can be riding high one minute and someone can look at us a certain mysterious way or say something we don’t quite understand and suddenly we feel naked and terrified, completely exposed.  

I believe that artists and creative types are especially susceptible to this terrible feeling.  

I have a good friend who is the kind of pianist that most people just dream of becoming.  She’s amazing.  She can sit down and squeeze the most beautiful sounds out of a piano.  She doesn’t just play the notes, she plays the music in a way that expresses the emotion of the piece.  It’s a truly wonderful thing to witness.  Recently my friend hit a speed bump and had a sudden crisis of confidence.  She didn’t become any less exceptional in that moment, she just felt different.  

And then there’s my little nonsense.  I have a great job and a lot of opportunities.  The last few years I’ve been very prolific in art-making and I’ve had the good fortune of getting work into a lot of shows.  I actually even delivered and installed a solo show of my work this week.  And yet…at some point yesterday, I realized I didn’t win this one thing or get into this particular show.  My brain went into a panic and alerted me that I needed to apply to a bunch of shows and get my work back out there.  I literally had the thought that “I haven’t been in any shows recently”.  My heart rate went up.  My mind started racing, trying to think of what opportunities I could jump on immediately.  

After a few minutes of this panic, I looked around my studio and saw bare spots on the walls.  I noticed my stack of new drawings was really thin.  More panic.  Now I need to be in more shows and I don’t have any work to enter.  Sweat started to bead up on my forehead.  

It took a lot longer than it should have taken for me to realize that the reason I didn’t have a lot of art to enter is because so much of it is currently on exhibit.  I had a moment of “Ohhhhhhh.  That’s where my work is”.  

Realizing I had just participated in a very unhealthy thing that I constantly advise my students against, I decided to take a moment and take stock of the situation rationally.  Here’s what I realized:

At this moment, I have 1 public sculpture on exhibit for a year in North Charleston, SC.  I have 1 public sculpture on exhibit for a year in Cashiers, NC.  I have 3 small sculptures in a juried exhibit in Indiana.  I have 1 small sculpture in a juried exhibit in Key West, FL.  I have a solo exhibit of about 16 drawings in Spartanburg, SC.  I have about 15 drawings and sculptures in a commercial gallery in Saluda, NC.  I have 2 sculptures in an exhibit in Greenwood, SC.  And honestly, I may have something somewhere else and have completely forgotten about it.  

In the academic world, that list would get me tenure and or promotion over a 6 year review period.  I know some artists who don’t have that many exhibits in an entire career and this is just a snapshot of one particular day for me.  It’s absolutely ridiculous that someone with that list of exhibits would lack confidence, and yet, there we were, heart racing, sweat on the brow, telling myself I wasn’t good enough.  

I don’t have the cure for a crisis of confidence.  I would tell you that when you feel it coming, you should stomp the brakes and do a little rational thinking.  The truth is, most of us don’t know we’re experiencing it until after the fact and even if we do realize it, rational thought is not likely to be found anywhere near us.  

A couple of days ago, I watched my grad student freak out because she put her recent work out for a guest artist to critique.  The work is very, very strong and yet, she was immersed in a crisis of confidence as she prepared to receive the artist’s feedback.  When he told her he was impressed by her work, the change in her was visible.  The confidence returned to her face.

I wonder if one of the best things we can do to fight a crisis of confidence is to hype the people in our lives.  When our musical friend is killing it, we should tell them they’re killing it.  We should tell our artist friends when we love their work.  Don’t just like the post, actively tell them you love it and why you love it.  Take the time to point out what they’re doing great.  Remind your creative friends that their writing, their musical performance, their great ideas cause you to consider true beauty and make you smile.  Don’t just assume that they know how much joy they bring into the world with their work.  Remember that just like you, they need to be reminded of what is true.  Perhaps often.  

Doing this will have an impact on you.  During your dark night of the soul, eventually you’ll begin to realize that you are also doing some of the things you’ve been praising your friends for doing.  You’ll remember the kind thing you said to them and you’ll realize that is also true of your work.  You’ll also build a posse of creative friends who know what it’s like to lose confidence.  They’ll begin to hype you and when you are down, they’ll be there to pick you up.  In this way, you’ll receive the same energy you put out into the world.  

You are so much better than you give yourself credit for being.  Humility is awesome but honesty is crucial.  Look for the good in others and make sure they know you see it.  Look for the good in you and make sure you know you see it.